I find it frustrating. There are times when I firmly believe that the situation is smooth sailing and all is good again, and there are times when I am left baffled and emotionally disconnected. I feel as if I deserve most of the credit for the effort in rebuilding and maintaining the friendship. It's almost as if she doesn't care as much as I do. She has assured me otherwise, but how can I take her words with confidence when there are times I feel as if I am ignored and even excluded?
Treating everyone the same is a bold statement. Different people in your life inevitably receive different levels of attention and care. There are closer friends and there are convenient friends. This is the ugly truth. If you say that you can't treat someone differently than others, then you are simply lying to yourself and avoiding the problem. There are friends that you can confide in better than others. There are friends that you can have more fun with than others. There are friends who understand you better than others. If you end up treating everyone with the same level of friendship, would that not be false treatment?
I feel like what is missing from last year's friendship is the key ingredient to what made it so strong. Can you believe it? I miss it and I feel like it is not coming back no matter how much I sprint for it.
That is just me. I might be wrong. I might be very emotionally unbalanced, but I do know that being selective and exclusive is not the way to be involved and to walk outside of the comfort zone. That isn't growing. That is simply playing it safe in your own field and keeping yourself secretive. There is not point telling people you want to grow if all you are to do is stay the same and keep yourself within your little groups and select certain people to interact with.
I am simply returning a bit of your own medicine to taste.
I would normally write this kind of post in my own journal blog, but maybe people have different opinions to share.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
My Faith
Where shall I start.... well lately this past year ever since I've been going to Pulse, I felt reconnected with God. But at the same time, I feel like I don't really know where I stand with God anymore. Ever since I broke away from God last year, things haven't really been the same.
Sometimes I do certain things just because it seems like the "right" thing to do like serving on the leadership team or various God-related stuff. I don't know if my heart is even there for the things that I do. I really want to stay on top with God, but at the same time I feel like I can't. Maybe I lost the heart and passion that God once instilled in me. I keep trying to rekindle that passion, but nothing seems to flow. When I try to read His word, nothing really sticks out. Even during bible study or something like that, I can probably interpret what God might be trying to say, but I don't even know if that's what I'm really thinking or if that's what God's really trying to say to me.
Often times I happen to fall into the pits of sin. It doesn't phase me. I don't even feel the pain that God feels when I sin. Lust has taken its toll on me and I keep falling back in to the same cycle over and over again and sometimes I don't even feel sorry what I did. Ugh, it drives me crazy because it's like I'm living a double life. I just really hope God convicts me and changes my old ways.
Sometimes I do certain things just because it seems like the "right" thing to do like serving on the leadership team or various God-related stuff. I don't know if my heart is even there for the things that I do. I really want to stay on top with God, but at the same time I feel like I can't. Maybe I lost the heart and passion that God once instilled in me. I keep trying to rekindle that passion, but nothing seems to flow. When I try to read His word, nothing really sticks out. Even during bible study or something like that, I can probably interpret what God might be trying to say, but I don't even know if that's what I'm really thinking or if that's what God's really trying to say to me.
Often times I happen to fall into the pits of sin. It doesn't phase me. I don't even feel the pain that God feels when I sin. Lust has taken its toll on me and I keep falling back in to the same cycle over and over again and sometimes I don't even feel sorry what I did. Ugh, it drives me crazy because it's like I'm living a double life. I just really hope God convicts me and changes my old ways.
Approval
We all seek it everyday of our lives. We want to be recognized, we want to be loved, we want to be awknowledged that we're doing a good job. We seek approval from our parents, friends, employers, and even our spouses and significant others. But why? Why are we so focused on what other people think? We can't we just seek God's approval? Why can't we see that the only person's approval that we need is His, and chances are He already gives it to us.
And yet we ignore it. Yet we still hope that pretty girl will see us as a potential and return the feelings. We still hope that if we do well in school and get that 4.0, our parents and our friends will see us with respect. But what about our character? What about the things unspoken? What about the sacrifices that we make to ourselves which we suffer with everyday, and yet no one but God knows about it? Why can't that be good enough? To know that God is with us, smiling down on us, and loving us every single second of every single day.
We seek approval on this rock, this pitiful little piece of space dust floating in the vastness of the universe. And we want to be recognized by the people living on it. The devil's kingdom is Earth, he hates hell himself. So on this little rock we seek approval of the world. We want to be seen as successful through material possessions and the number of connections we have with the world. Why can't we be content that we're good people? That we try to show God everyday that we love Him. Why can't we strive for God's approval instead of the worlds. His expectations are much lower and His reward is much greater.
Approval.
Even when everyone in the world is giving you a standing ovation, but God is still sitting down in His seat, you have gained nothing. And yet if God is the only one standing and applauding you, then you have gained everything. Don't get sucked down in this world. Don't let the little whispers of gossip and the weight of the world bring you down. You honestly don't need this world, all you need is God. What does this world offer that's more satisfying that knowing the Lord Jesus Christ?
And yet we ignore it. Yet we still hope that pretty girl will see us as a potential and return the feelings. We still hope that if we do well in school and get that 4.0, our parents and our friends will see us with respect. But what about our character? What about the things unspoken? What about the sacrifices that we make to ourselves which we suffer with everyday, and yet no one but God knows about it? Why can't that be good enough? To know that God is with us, smiling down on us, and loving us every single second of every single day.
We seek approval on this rock, this pitiful little piece of space dust floating in the vastness of the universe. And we want to be recognized by the people living on it. The devil's kingdom is Earth, he hates hell himself. So on this little rock we seek approval of the world. We want to be seen as successful through material possessions and the number of connections we have with the world. Why can't we be content that we're good people? That we try to show God everyday that we love Him. Why can't we strive for God's approval instead of the worlds. His expectations are much lower and His reward is much greater.
Approval.
Even when everyone in the world is giving you a standing ovation, but God is still sitting down in His seat, you have gained nothing. And yet if God is the only one standing and applauding you, then you have gained everything. Don't get sucked down in this world. Don't let the little whispers of gossip and the weight of the world bring you down. You honestly don't need this world, all you need is God. What does this world offer that's more satisfying that knowing the Lord Jesus Christ?
Monday, February 23, 2009
Desperate for Morocco
The attempt took less than fifteen seconds. I left frustrated, hurt, and greatly pissed. Whether my mum was in a foul mood or not, that was just pathetic. I was given no chance at all to explain the details of the Morocco missions trip. All I was able to get out was that it's Morocco and it's in Africa. She flat-out said "no" twice, in which I asked her calmly her reasons for the swift decision. I received a yelled "Just because!" in Chinese. She then proceeded to ramble about school and my situation.
For those who know little about my school situation: I was dropped by Purdue University out in Indiana, the second time in May of 2008. Unable to register that late for San Jose State, I was left with the option of applying for Open University. An Open University student is allowed to take classes without the status of a full-time student. I am also given the lowest priority in terms of choosing classes. You can definitely imagine the difficulty I had to endure last fall just to secure three classes. I was supposed to be admitted this spring semester, but because I was unaware of A3 Critical Thinking requirement, I was turned down for admission. Imagine that! All because of one class I do not have completed, I was forced to go through open university again for spring and to re-apply for Fall 2009. This hardship has definitely made me regret, yet it has forced me to take care of myself and to initiate for my own things.
Given my academic situation, that has always been the sole trump card my family uses when I spend time with church-related events and people. Once again, it proved useful when I asked permission to go on the Morocco missions trip. I am feeling more hurt about not given a single chance to give information about the trip and my reasons for wanting to go, then I am about being turned down.
I could really use prayers. I have always had a hard time getting my family to understand me. They seem to not really understand that my involvement with Pulse has been the one thing that has picked me up from my hard times ever since I came here. It's always been the one reason I am thankful for the Lord and His amazing love. Serving my Brothers and Sisters has been and will always be my own way of saying God is good. It has also been teaching me about how to live my life. How can that be a distraction for school? How can school be more important than God? My family will never understand, no matter how hard I try, or so it seems.
A year ago, I was always avoiding the talk of missions trips. I could not and did not want to see myself being part of one. Despite knowing it's God's calling for everyone, I simply avoided it. Now that I truly see what He has in store for those out there, I really want to step out of my old safezone and be in the frontline for Him.
Thanks for taking your time for reading through this. I'm just really devasted. I prayed but I didn't feel any better. I cannot even smile. This is just ridiculous.
-eric
For those who know little about my school situation: I was dropped by Purdue University out in Indiana, the second time in May of 2008. Unable to register that late for San Jose State, I was left with the option of applying for Open University. An Open University student is allowed to take classes without the status of a full-time student. I am also given the lowest priority in terms of choosing classes. You can definitely imagine the difficulty I had to endure last fall just to secure three classes. I was supposed to be admitted this spring semester, but because I was unaware of A3 Critical Thinking requirement, I was turned down for admission. Imagine that! All because of one class I do not have completed, I was forced to go through open university again for spring and to re-apply for Fall 2009. This hardship has definitely made me regret, yet it has forced me to take care of myself and to initiate for my own things.
Given my academic situation, that has always been the sole trump card my family uses when I spend time with church-related events and people. Once again, it proved useful when I asked permission to go on the Morocco missions trip. I am feeling more hurt about not given a single chance to give information about the trip and my reasons for wanting to go, then I am about being turned down.
I could really use prayers. I have always had a hard time getting my family to understand me. They seem to not really understand that my involvement with Pulse has been the one thing that has picked me up from my hard times ever since I came here. It's always been the one reason I am thankful for the Lord and His amazing love. Serving my Brothers and Sisters has been and will always be my own way of saying God is good. It has also been teaching me about how to live my life. How can that be a distraction for school? How can school be more important than God? My family will never understand, no matter how hard I try, or so it seems.
A year ago, I was always avoiding the talk of missions trips. I could not and did not want to see myself being part of one. Despite knowing it's God's calling for everyone, I simply avoided it. Now that I truly see what He has in store for those out there, I really want to step out of my old safezone and be in the frontline for Him.
Thanks for taking your time for reading through this. I'm just really devasted. I prayed but I didn't feel any better. I cannot even smile. This is just ridiculous.
-eric
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Friends
Just a quick reference to Flight of the Conchords :)
Pom pom-pom, pom pom-pom (ping) (repeat)
Friends sing together
La La La La
Friends do things together
La La La La
Friends laugh together
Ha Ha Ha Ha
Friends make graphs together
La La La La
Friends help you when you're in danger
Friends are people who are not strangers
Friends help you shift into a new place
Tell you if you've got food on you're face
Friends are the ones, on who you can depend
He's my friend, He's not my friend
Friends are the ones who are there at the end
He's my friend, They're not my friends
If you trip over I'll catch you're fall
If you break my dick, I won't break you're balls
If you get drunk and vomit on me
I'll make sure you get home safely
If you cross the road and a drunk struck you
And scrape you up and reconstruct you
I'll cheer you up if you're depressed
If you get murdered I'll avenge you're death
Friends walk together
La La La La
Pop and lock together
(Zzi zzu Zzi Zzu)
Me and him together
La La La La
Me and Jim forever
Friends go jogging at the track
Friends borrow money never pay It back
Friends do not let friends do crack
Friends go out and grab a snack
Friends drink beer in the sun
Unlike girlfriends they don't mind if you have more than one
Friends tell you when you're flys undone
My Uncle John had a special friend
They dressed a like, his name was Ben
I've never seen two friends like them
They we're very very friendly men
La La La La
Friends, Friends, Friends
Pom pom-pom, pom pom-pom (ping) (repeat)
Friends sing together
La La La La
Friends do things together
La La La La
Friends laugh together
Ha Ha Ha Ha
Friends make graphs together
La La La La
Friends help you when you're in danger
Friends are people who are not strangers
Friends help you shift into a new place
Tell you if you've got food on you're face
Friends are the ones, on who you can depend
He's my friend, He's not my friend
Friends are the ones who are there at the end
He's my friend, They're not my friends
If you trip over I'll catch you're fall
If you break my dick, I won't break you're balls
If you get drunk and vomit on me
I'll make sure you get home safely
If you cross the road and a drunk struck you
And scrape you up and reconstruct you
I'll cheer you up if you're depressed
If you get murdered I'll avenge you're death
Friends walk together
La La La La
Pop and lock together
(Zzi zzu Zzi Zzu)
Me and him together
La La La La
Me and Jim forever
Friends go jogging at the track
Friends borrow money never pay It back
Friends do not let friends do crack
Friends go out and grab a snack
Friends drink beer in the sun
Unlike girlfriends they don't mind if you have more than one
Friends tell you when you're flys undone
My Uncle John had a special friend
They dressed a like, his name was Ben
I've never seen two friends like them
They we're very very friendly men
La La La La
Friends, Friends, Friends
Friday, February 20, 2009
Drop It Like It's Hot
And that is what I plan to do. I told you guys something big was gonna happen and it did. It happened last night and up until that point it's been killing me to keep it in. So buckle up and enjoy the ride, because this is gonna go deep.
I guess you can say it all started in December, when I broke up with my ex-girlfriend. Yeah I was sad. After being with someone for so long you're bound to be sad when you break up with them. But God blessed me and the break-up actually went very well. I saw that my ex was not the girl God had in mind for me and I felt the He truly rewarded me for my decision. I was never caught in depression and only saw the blessings God gave me through my loneliness.
Now I started hanging out a lot with close friends and new ones. One of them was a female which I thought to be significantly more attractive than anyone else. She's Pretty =). Anyways. I didn't think much about it at the time. I was more focused on the fact that my spiritual life was going down the tubes, and I needed to save it. I devoted a lot of my newly found time with God. I surrounded myself with Christian friends and community and found that I was growing a lot with God.
So then school started. Ah, dreadful school. Because one of my friends had graduated the semester before, I was quite afraid that my days spent on the campus would be lonely due to the fact that I neglected many relationships in the previous semester. I spent so much time with my ex that I failed to grow and nurture new relationships. But this girl which I found to be attractive started to offer me companionship. We started studying together at school and just talk about life, relationships, and even love.
I didn't even see the pothole coming. Here I am walking through my life, trying to get through, and I start trippin' on potholes. Potholes = girls. Well I started trippin' over this girl. I started to think about her a lot. I started to notice just how pretty she was. And I started to realize that I was in trouble. I started to freak out. This girl and I started to have a great friendship and I didn't wanna screw it up! Her friendship weighs more than the potential of starting a relationship. So what did I do? I told her that I was attracted to her. Because she was such a great friend, I wanted to be completely honest with her. This is what I felt at that time: I'm attracted to you. You have absolutely nothing to worry about. Our friendship is stronger then that. And things didn't change at all. Being such a great person she saw where I was coming from. And our friendship continued...
But that's not all.
Something else happened.
I started to like her. Even though I told myself not to. Her smile will brighten up my day. When I hear her voice I can't help but give her my full attention. So...what did I do? I started to talk to all the wise men I knew. What to do about my feelings? What to do about my situation? One thing that I knew I had to do was talk to P. Stiddy. That guy is so full of wisdom that his insight should always been sought out.
So, after talking to everyone I came up with this: Tell her the truth.
So I told her.
I told her I liked her, but I knew that I wasn't ready for a relationship. I wanted my spiritual life to grow. I wanted to make sure that in my next relationship I would be strong enough in my faith to be the spiritual leader. To be able to guide me and my future wife towards God, and place Him in the middle of our love. She felt the exact same way, she was looking out for me. She said the idea of me crossed her mind, but that she saw how my spiritual growth hasn't really stopped. So we decided. Yeah. I like her. Yeah I want to grow more in God. And you know what? God's gonna take care of the rest.
I guess you can say it all started in December, when I broke up with my ex-girlfriend. Yeah I was sad. After being with someone for so long you're bound to be sad when you break up with them. But God blessed me and the break-up actually went very well. I saw that my ex was not the girl God had in mind for me and I felt the He truly rewarded me for my decision. I was never caught in depression and only saw the blessings God gave me through my loneliness.
Now I started hanging out a lot with close friends and new ones. One of them was a female which I thought to be significantly more attractive than anyone else. She's Pretty =). Anyways. I didn't think much about it at the time. I was more focused on the fact that my spiritual life was going down the tubes, and I needed to save it. I devoted a lot of my newly found time with God. I surrounded myself with Christian friends and community and found that I was growing a lot with God.
So then school started. Ah, dreadful school. Because one of my friends had graduated the semester before, I was quite afraid that my days spent on the campus would be lonely due to the fact that I neglected many relationships in the previous semester. I spent so much time with my ex that I failed to grow and nurture new relationships. But this girl which I found to be attractive started to offer me companionship. We started studying together at school and just talk about life, relationships, and even love.
I didn't even see the pothole coming. Here I am walking through my life, trying to get through, and I start trippin' on potholes. Potholes = girls. Well I started trippin' over this girl. I started to think about her a lot. I started to notice just how pretty she was. And I started to realize that I was in trouble. I started to freak out. This girl and I started to have a great friendship and I didn't wanna screw it up! Her friendship weighs more than the potential of starting a relationship. So what did I do? I told her that I was attracted to her. Because she was such a great friend, I wanted to be completely honest with her. This is what I felt at that time: I'm attracted to you. You have absolutely nothing to worry about. Our friendship is stronger then that. And things didn't change at all. Being such a great person she saw where I was coming from. And our friendship continued...
But that's not all.
Something else happened.
I started to like her. Even though I told myself not to. Her smile will brighten up my day. When I hear her voice I can't help but give her my full attention. So...what did I do? I started to talk to all the wise men I knew. What to do about my feelings? What to do about my situation? One thing that I knew I had to do was talk to P. Stiddy. That guy is so full of wisdom that his insight should always been sought out.
So, after talking to everyone I came up with this: Tell her the truth.
So I told her.
I told her I liked her, but I knew that I wasn't ready for a relationship. I wanted my spiritual life to grow. I wanted to make sure that in my next relationship I would be strong enough in my faith to be the spiritual leader. To be able to guide me and my future wife towards God, and place Him in the middle of our love. She felt the exact same way, she was looking out for me. She said the idea of me crossed her mind, but that she saw how my spiritual growth hasn't really stopped. So we decided. Yeah. I like her. Yeah I want to grow more in God. And you know what? God's gonna take care of the rest.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Monday, February 16, 2009
God speaking or Terrible Luck?
Ok so I shared last time that I believed that I was sick for a purpose. God is trying to bring me back to him and giving me time to spend with him. In the past few months I have definitely felt a gap between me and God, but never really did anything about it.
Well I made an effort in the last 2 or 3 weeks to spend more time in the word. And guess what? I got a LOT better!! Not quite 100%, but very close. And guess what next, I started straying away from God again, not reading anymore and giving in to temptation (if you guys know what I'm talking about... :/ ) Anyways, I strayed from God, AGAIN... And Guess What?! I just got a cold and feel like crap again! I haven't had a day of good health since January 3rd.
I have definitely seen the connection there between my health and my relationship with God. I don't think it's that I have terrible luck :P
Please keep me accountable, and pray for me. I want to be back in his total presence and good health.
The Start of Something Great
The fellowship of Haven is awesome and strong. Bible studies will go farther than we ever have before.
Be prepared on Tuesday for some open-dialogue about our deepest struggles. Together, God willingly, we will improve and mature. When this semester ends, the Haven men will look back and say, "Yah, that was one memorable semester."
Take refuge with Haven. We got yo' back.
Be prepared on Tuesday for some open-dialogue about our deepest struggles. Together, God willingly, we will improve and mature. When this semester ends, the Haven men will look back and say, "Yah, that was one memorable semester."
Take refuge with Haven. We got yo' back.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Empty
Life has been a roller coaster for me the past few months. I broke up with my girlfriend before finals last semester so my holiday season kinda sucked, but at the same time it was pretty awesome. It was so great to see old friends again and just to spend time with them. Also hanging out with people from Pulse always helped. But I guess I've been running away from the problem for a while that I never really faced it.
I am suffering from loneliness. And although I've talked to many others about it, I still struggle with it. I'm a big heart guy, so relationships is where I feel like I really grow and bloom. But without one I'm kinda emo when I'm by myself. I know that I don't need a girlfriend. In fact I'm not even sure I want one. But hey if God wants to bless me with one that's awesome. I'm not gonna try for a while.
I guess I've been trying to fill a void of just friends and family. But I should start filling it up with God. God has been great to me these past few months. I've never really felt depressed and was always surrounded by loved ones. So I guess I'm just slowly trudging through. But you know what, that's ok. Because eventually I'll be able to walk tall again. But gotta let the wounds heal.
I am suffering from loneliness. And although I've talked to many others about it, I still struggle with it. I'm a big heart guy, so relationships is where I feel like I really grow and bloom. But without one I'm kinda emo when I'm by myself. I know that I don't need a girlfriend. In fact I'm not even sure I want one. But hey if God wants to bless me with one that's awesome. I'm not gonna try for a while.
I guess I've been trying to fill a void of just friends and family. But I should start filling it up with God. God has been great to me these past few months. I've never really felt depressed and was always surrounded by loved ones. So I guess I'm just slowly trudging through. But you know what, that's ok. Because eventually I'll be able to walk tall again. But gotta let the wounds heal.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
ouch!
I think I'm gunna have a hard time hiding my identity with FunkyTimmy as an ID, and I don't think I'd be able to share much without revealing my identity anyways. So here I go, this is Tim C.
I've now been sick for 1.5 months. It sucks, terribly. I've been put on medication, to then get in worse condition. I feel useless because I always need to stay home and rest. I feel like I'm not involved as much as I want to be and it's frustrating the heck out of me. I've been used to doing so much for the last year and a half. Now I feel like a potato.
My original reaction was, hey! This'll spice up my life a little. It soon changed to, What the Heck God?! A lot of bitterness and angriness has come out of me in the last weeks and I apologize if I hurt anyone in anyway. Lately I've just been careless about what i think and what comes out of my mouth. Seems like there used to be a filter between these two.
I thought for awhile that this was punishment from God. Then I realized this is that i needed something like this to be shaken up. P. Stiddy told me: "You know Tim, this is a spiritual Battle. The only thing that could stop you from serving is your Health. Not school, not work"
My first reaction was, ok maybe I should focus more on school :P But then I realized something. My health is the only thing that could stop me. I don't think it's a battle, but I think God is trying to pull me aside. To be honest, I have not been very proactive with my relationship with God in the past 6 months. I've actually been an idiot. Now God has brought me down to a new low in my life, with an incredible amount of free time. This is a time for me to reconnect and redevelop my relationship with God. It's kinda of a stretch, but this is almost a gift from God.
Pray that I become more faithful to him and that I pursue my relationship with him as much as i pursue serving him.
Side note, I don't know if any of you were praying for me, but I was in terrible pain on monday, and out of nowhere I felt 80% better within 2 minutes. Kind of incredible. I still feel great! PTL!
Sorry if I write long notes...
Friday, February 6, 2009
Idolitry
What P. Stiddy (Pastor Steve) said last night really hit close to home. I admit that many times I've placed things and people above God. Usually in those situations, God takes those things away from me because of one reason: He is a jealous God and desperately wants us to love Him. Think about that. Someone who loves you so much that once they know they're not the first in your life, He fights until He's number 1 again.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
What Do You Want To Know?
I like the code names so far. I really do.
OK! So to business.
So far here are some of the topics that you guys told me the other night as to what you would like to 'study' in the small group. They mostly have to do with what a young man struggles with.
Dating (Girls. If you want to know about guys...we need to talk to you out of love)
Relationships (Godly and Worldly)
Being a Man of God
How to Be A Leader
Lust/Every Man's Struggle
Faith/Compassion for Men
Brotherly Love/Community
Guarding Your Heart and Hearts of Others
Let me know if you guys want more or you wanna change it up. This is in no way final just a way to toss it out.
Please. I urge you guys to at least check this once a day. Put it on your quick bar. Mine is inbetween facebook and gmail so..I will definitely post every day. I also have another blog which I post....but you'll have to find out about that one later.
OK! So to business.
So far here are some of the topics that you guys told me the other night as to what you would like to 'study' in the small group. They mostly have to do with what a young man struggles with.
Dating (Girls. If you want to know about guys...we need to talk to you out of love)
Relationships (Godly and Worldly)
Being a Man of God
How to Be A Leader
Lust/Every Man's Struggle
Faith/Compassion for Men
Brotherly Love/Community
Guarding Your Heart and Hearts of Others
Let me know if you guys want more or you wanna change it up. This is in no way final just a way to toss it out.
Please. I urge you guys to at least check this once a day. Put it on your quick bar. Mine is inbetween facebook and gmail so..I will definitely post every day. I also have another blog which I post....but you'll have to find out about that one later.
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