Easter means freedom. Freedom from...
1) Empty pursuits: No need to figure out our purpose in life. The resurrection shows us that our purpose is to live a divine driven life! Give up our empty pursuits. Our life needs to be rooted in Him, in He which is eternal. I can't put my trust in people. Nothing else will bring true fulfillment than doing the will of God.
2) Adamic guilt: We started out wrong. Jesus will get us right. We were born in sin. Jesus took that guilt away from us, we don't have to carry it with us anymore. Great exchange of his righteousness for my sin.
3) Spiritual death: Result of adamic guilt, we become the living dead. Living in a state of spiritual death. We bare the nature of Adam, a self-centered, egocentric life.
4) Eternal Damnation: Those who reject Him will suffer from eternal damnation. Jesus gives us freedom from eternal damnation, from hell. We don't need to worry about eternal damnation. God through Christ has done everything possible to lift us out of eternal damnation. Don't blame God if we reject Him.
5) Reservations about the future: Jesus came to say "you don't have to worry." The curse of sin is all around us, but we don't have to worry. We know who holds the future, Jesus Christ. The world is suppose to get worse and worse before Christ comes. God is our refuge, and He is our strength! Although we do not know what the future holds, we know who holds the future.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Kingdom
"But what, then is the kingdom of God? Where is it found?
It is found in every time an offense is forgiven, every time a stranger is made welcome, every time an enemy is embraced, every time the least among us is lifted up, every time the law is made to serve justice, every time a prophetic voice is raised against injustice, every time the law and the prophets are summed up by love.
From time to time, the figures of Jesus, or fragments of his figure, appear here or there in individual lives, showing up sometimes in people who burn with a prophetic passion, sometimes in people of inordinate compassion and forgiveness. When this happen, we are likely to mistake such people as mad or weak, which in a sense they are--mad with the folly of the cross, weak with the weakness of God."
John D. Caputo
What would Jesus Deconstruct
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Whispers..
At the sound of His whisper,
Oceans will part,
Nations come.
The absolute sovereignty of God. Something that our humans minds can't even comprehend. The power of God. Sometimes I grow obviousness to this fact, that in an instant, God can crush this Earth. His voice will cause the mountains to jump, the wave of His hand can turn deserts into rain forests. His created the entire universe only so that we, His children, have light during the night, that there is proof of His love for us in the stars.
And yet even though I know I'm His child, and that He loves me more than all the stars in the sky, I fail to realize that this sovereign is there for me. He works FOR me, not against. The only person working against me, is me. My own inner demons who try to drag me down, who try to distance myself from God.
What is there to fear? Who is there to fear? The GOD of the UNIVERSE loves me. He is right next to me every morning, he walks with me on campus, he comforts me when I'm down.
The God of the Universe is next to me, hearing my pains and struggles, talking to his child, and I'm the one not listening.
He has blessed me with amazing friends, parents who love me unconditionally, family who I can count on all ways, and a life which can make a difference.
Lord forgive me for being selfish here on Earth, teach me your ways, give me Your heart.
Oceans will part,
Nations come.
The absolute sovereignty of God. Something that our humans minds can't even comprehend. The power of God. Sometimes I grow obviousness to this fact, that in an instant, God can crush this Earth. His voice will cause the mountains to jump, the wave of His hand can turn deserts into rain forests. His created the entire universe only so that we, His children, have light during the night, that there is proof of His love for us in the stars.
And yet even though I know I'm His child, and that He loves me more than all the stars in the sky, I fail to realize that this sovereign is there for me. He works FOR me, not against. The only person working against me, is me. My own inner demons who try to drag me down, who try to distance myself from God.
What is there to fear? Who is there to fear? The GOD of the UNIVERSE loves me. He is right next to me every morning, he walks with me on campus, he comforts me when I'm down.
The God of the Universe is next to me, hearing my pains and struggles, talking to his child, and I'm the one not listening.
He has blessed me with amazing friends, parents who love me unconditionally, family who I can count on all ways, and a life which can make a difference.
Lord forgive me for being selfish here on Earth, teach me your ways, give me Your heart.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Decision making and stuff
Hey guys, it's been awhile since I've been on here :P I feel bad that I haven't been as regular at Haven as I'd like to :/ I should be writing my paper right now, but it feels like a huge monster right now, and I'm not ready to conquer it. Plus there's something I need to get let out and prayed for. Here it goes.
As I think most of you know, I LOVE ministry. Pulse has seriously changed my life. Every time I serve I get so much joy and energy. The problem with me is I have a hard time saying no :/ I used to think saying no to people is easy. But when it's about something you really want to do, it's a whole other story. Like I know I have no time at all, but I'll commit to doing this ministry thing anyways :P "Somehow God will make it work". When that happens, sleep usually becomes a luxury.
So for the past year I have been working closely with Robby on ministry stuff, specifically UIC. Like the UIC retreat, Porn Nation etc... Robby is probably the most amazing student leaders I have ever met. Robby is graduating at the end of Fall 09'. I kind of saw it coming, but basically now UIC people are looking at me to take over as UIC coordinator. When I first started working with Robby last spring I was super excited about it, and I kinda had in mind that I would take over. I was totally fine with it. Now they have unofficially asked me to "take over". Now I'm kinda freaking out. I would love to do it, but man... That thing is a MONSTER! It is HUGE! This will probably be one of the biggest decisions I have taken ever. I'm really scared to do a crappy job. Robby has set really High expectations. I'm not Robby, and I'm not trying to be, but there's going to be a lot expected out of me if I make the decision to go for it. Please pray for me! I don't know when they really need to know. I'm hoping not until fall semester. The thing is I'm the only other dude that has the passion for it, or has even worked close enough with robby to do this. I don't even know if they have a second pick!
If i decide to go for it, it means I will be a lot less available when UIC stuff comes up. Someone told me that he heard some people already saying I was going to be the next UIC coordinator (even though I haven't said yes) and that I was going to be quitting Pulse. If you hear that, please tell that person to SHUT UP! That would be like disowning my own family. There is no way I am stepping out of Pulse, and Core. I love you guys too much. (except eric)
Please pray for me, that I would be at peace with this decision. That God would open and close doors for me and make it clear of what I need to do. If I do accept, I'll have a ton of other prayer request for you guys :)
Thursday, April 2, 2009
An Update
So I finally got admitted as a full-time student for Fall 2009. It's been a hard journey, putting up with the administration and constant obstacles that put me through two semesters of taking classes as an open-university student. What scares me is that after a year of taking only 2-3 classes per semester, I will not be mentally ready handling a whole line-up of classes, perhaps even back-to-back schedule. Furthermore, I have a feeling that my current semester grades will be evaluated. What if they take back my admission? My English 1B class is killing me - no, let me correct that, 7:30 is killing me. I have not been successful in waking up for that class for the past several weeks. Today was the first time I managed to attend the class. I have missed an in-class essay and gotten C's on my second and third out-of-class essays. I really need to recover in that class, but I have a feeling the damage is already sinking in.
Nevertheless, I would say this semester has been good for the past weeks. Pulse has been good. My friends have been good. God has been good! It's interesting and exciting to see God constantly hinting me that I could be so much more than I think I am capable of.
I also want to share something I was learning about through devotional last week in Compton. Psalm 91 talks about God protecting us, the faithful ones, the believing ones, from the enemies' arrows and sending his angels to guard us and to prevent us from falling, yet it's so easy to interpret this as a statement that as long as we are believers, God will protect us from harm and sufferings, and that only non-believers suffer. That is exactly the perspective Satan wishes us to keep in our heads. Just like how the devil tempted Jesus in the desert by telling him to call upon the angels to save him should he throw himself down from the cliff, Satan wants us to believe that we are invicinble with God by our side. Yet, as many of us already know, we go through obstacles and hardship. We lose loved ones, we lose jobs, we get hurt, and the list goes on. We may wonder why God allows this, or if He is the one orchestrating these events. Just remember this: God doesn't tempt us or brings suffering. Satan is the one who does that, at the consent of God! Satan roams here on earth, yet he still needs permission from God to tempt us. Isn't that mysterious? It's all part of God's design. God doesn't tempt us, but he does allow us to go through trials, in hopes we may perservere in His name and grow closer to Him.
We are to praise Him under all circumstance, and that's the wonder of His love.
Nevertheless, I would say this semester has been good for the past weeks. Pulse has been good. My friends have been good. God has been good! It's interesting and exciting to see God constantly hinting me that I could be so much more than I think I am capable of.
I also want to share something I was learning about through devotional last week in Compton. Psalm 91 talks about God protecting us, the faithful ones, the believing ones, from the enemies' arrows and sending his angels to guard us and to prevent us from falling, yet it's so easy to interpret this as a statement that as long as we are believers, God will protect us from harm and sufferings, and that only non-believers suffer. That is exactly the perspective Satan wishes us to keep in our heads. Just like how the devil tempted Jesus in the desert by telling him to call upon the angels to save him should he throw himself down from the cliff, Satan wants us to believe that we are invicinble with God by our side. Yet, as many of us already know, we go through obstacles and hardship. We lose loved ones, we lose jobs, we get hurt, and the list goes on. We may wonder why God allows this, or if He is the one orchestrating these events. Just remember this: God doesn't tempt us or brings suffering. Satan is the one who does that, at the consent of God! Satan roams here on earth, yet he still needs permission from God to tempt us. Isn't that mysterious? It's all part of God's design. God doesn't tempt us, but he does allow us to go through trials, in hopes we may perservere in His name and grow closer to Him.
We are to praise Him under all circumstance, and that's the wonder of His love.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Why Am I Here?
Why are we here on earth?
We were created. But why?
We have a purpose. What is it?
Ask God, He'll tell you. Just remember to listen.
There have been many times in my life where I've pondered why am I here? What is it that God wants me to do with my life? I always try to answer my own questions from time to time. Am I supposed to help people by being a nurse? Should I try to become some sort of relationship counselor? Always constantly trying to figure out on my own what God wants me to do. The funny thing is that only recently have I been asking Him myself. The more I ask Him, the more I see. I'm in a situation where I find health to be extremely important. I know that God's given me a new heart for others, I freaking love people. So right now, I trust God with my path. I know that no matter what happens, as long as I feel like I'm doing the right thing, God will bless me, because I know I'm doing this for Him.
And Psalm 37:4 says: Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.
So don't worry. God's got your back. Praise God for the blessings that you've received today, even thought they may be tiny like finding a parking spot, or huge, like realizing that you're more loved that you ever thought possible.
We were created. But why?
We have a purpose. What is it?
Ask God, He'll tell you. Just remember to listen.
There have been many times in my life where I've pondered why am I here? What is it that God wants me to do with my life? I always try to answer my own questions from time to time. Am I supposed to help people by being a nurse? Should I try to become some sort of relationship counselor? Always constantly trying to figure out on my own what God wants me to do. The funny thing is that only recently have I been asking Him myself. The more I ask Him, the more I see. I'm in a situation where I find health to be extremely important. I know that God's given me a new heart for others, I freaking love people. So right now, I trust God with my path. I know that no matter what happens, as long as I feel like I'm doing the right thing, God will bless me, because I know I'm doing this for Him.
And Psalm 37:4 says: Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.
So don't worry. God's got your back. Praise God for the blessings that you've received today, even thought they may be tiny like finding a parking spot, or huge, like realizing that you're more loved that you ever thought possible.
Monday, March 16, 2009
A good life, but a hard life.
I know that God is good. I know that if it's God's will, it will be done. At least, that's what I am starting to grasp. But I want more than to just know it. I really want to acknowledge it completely, for all the areas of my life. The hardest area to apply that knowledge is relationships. How surprising, no?
Things have been great ever since I talked with her few weeks back. I have my close friend back and we are sharing like we used to. I am doing my best right now to focus on that friendship itself and to help build her up to be a woman of God. She's an amazing Sister in Christ who is constantly hungering after Him, even if her steps are small.
What's difficult is knowing that her decisions for a future relationship is all God's will... that the one she ends up choosing is all in God's hands. To be bluntly put, it makes me wonder if I'll have that chance again in the future. If I wait so long, will I miss my chance? Yet, that's exactly what God doesn't want me to think. I'm sure He doesn't want me to wonder so far ahead and question His plans. At the same time, I'm really hoping He knows those feelings that were in my heart. She has liked me once, and lately I was yearning to know if those feelings were authentic, or was it just a spur of the moment? Did she take it back because she realized it was a mistake, or is she just trying to do the mature thing and grow? That is the one question I wish I could have asked her back then, but I know sometimes it's best not to know the answer to a question. Instead, it's even better to be surprised by what God has in store for me.
Most of the time I am satisfied with the way things are between the two of us. In fact, a lot of times I am thankful that God's allowing me to Brother to her, a walking stone, a witness to her ups and downs. I really do want to see her grow. She's got a lot of potentials. Sometimes, however, the things I want to do to help her can't be done simply because I am not in a relationship with her. I know I need to be extra careful not to tread on the boundaries.
All in all, I'm continuing to strive to have selfless faith. I am constantly reminding myself to take this time of being single as a blessing, a time to grow and to find, pursue, and achieve my Passion & Purpose.
I wish for more, but I'm glad God has power over my life right now. If I have authority over my own life right now, it'd be constantly hitting the gutters and making rash decisions and mistakes.
'Tis a hard journey!!!
Things have been great ever since I talked with her few weeks back. I have my close friend back and we are sharing like we used to. I am doing my best right now to focus on that friendship itself and to help build her up to be a woman of God. She's an amazing Sister in Christ who is constantly hungering after Him, even if her steps are small.
What's difficult is knowing that her decisions for a future relationship is all God's will... that the one she ends up choosing is all in God's hands. To be bluntly put, it makes me wonder if I'll have that chance again in the future. If I wait so long, will I miss my chance? Yet, that's exactly what God doesn't want me to think. I'm sure He doesn't want me to wonder so far ahead and question His plans. At the same time, I'm really hoping He knows those feelings that were in my heart. She has liked me once, and lately I was yearning to know if those feelings were authentic, or was it just a spur of the moment? Did she take it back because she realized it was a mistake, or is she just trying to do the mature thing and grow? That is the one question I wish I could have asked her back then, but I know sometimes it's best not to know the answer to a question. Instead, it's even better to be surprised by what God has in store for me.
Most of the time I am satisfied with the way things are between the two of us. In fact, a lot of times I am thankful that God's allowing me to Brother to her, a walking stone, a witness to her ups and downs. I really do want to see her grow. She's got a lot of potentials. Sometimes, however, the things I want to do to help her can't be done simply because I am not in a relationship with her. I know I need to be extra careful not to tread on the boundaries.
All in all, I'm continuing to strive to have selfless faith. I am constantly reminding myself to take this time of being single as a blessing, a time to grow and to find, pursue, and achieve my Passion & Purpose.
I wish for more, but I'm glad God has power over my life right now. If I have authority over my own life right now, it'd be constantly hitting the gutters and making rash decisions and mistakes.
'Tis a hard journey!!!
Icebox Where My Heart Used To Be...
Am I heartless? Am I cold? Do I have this icebox where my heart used to be?
Last night I decided that it was a good idea to talk to my ex-girlfriend. To catch but also to just let her know that I'm over her, and to make sure that there's no false hope of us ever getting back together. So the convo started off well. We caught up, small talk. Nothing big or personal. But then things got heavy. Extremely heavy.
I told her that ever since our break-up, I felt that I was getting over the whole thing pretty fast, pretty easily. The only reason for any of this was God. I basically said "God, take this away from me, I'm not going to deal with it. You take care of it." And He did. And He blessed me beyond my comprehension. He provided me with great friends, got me serving again, and gave me a new heart. And then I told her that I just don't see us getting back together again. I told her that I'm over her and that there could be someone new.
That's when she started crying.
If you know me, if I see a girl cry I get super comforting and caring. I will do things to make girls feel better even if it could be borderline inappropriate because they aren't my girlfriend. But this time, I felt God was telling me to be extremely strong.
So here she is, crying in a public place, and I was stone cold. I was very nice tho. I offered her tissues, I would comfort her when she started to really ball. But what she said was the killer.
"I miss you."
"You're exactly everything I want right now."
"Why can't we work on this?"
"I promise this time around I'll treat you right, I'll make you feel special."
"I want to be with you."
Nothing. I felt nothing. I kept on telling her no, that I really can't see us together again, and I feel like we just weren't meant for each other. She thought we were.
This dragged on for nearly one and a half hours, with her constantly crying. And yet the whole time I was with her, my heart didn't break or feel for her, I never fell. I was strong with the mission I had. I'm glad I told her because she never really dealt with the fact that we broke up. She always felt that we would get back together and that's why she never thought she had to deal with it. She's been keeping herself busy but I am glad now she can start getting over me. She started to just cry even more, saying that life wasn't fair, that I had already gotten over her and she just started. She even tried to get me to give her a hug, but I just couldn't. I felt like if I did she would just start to assume that things would be getting better for us.
So we went our separate ways. She was still very emotional so I called her sister to make sure that she would get home safely. Then I got home, and all the emotions that I should have felt came rushing in. I was an emotional wreak. Although I never thought about getting back with her, my heart broke. Here was a girl who was a huge part of my life, and I destroyed her. I broke her heart and the whole time I wasn't there to really comfort her. I feel like an asshole, a jerk, someone who is so cold hearted that I'm surprised I can love.
I pray that God will bless her, and comfort her. I know that she will be fine, I just hope that she won't do anything stupid. Please just pray that God will be in her life, and she she'll be able to lean on Him, her small group, and her family.
Me on the other hand? I'll get over this....
Last night I decided that it was a good idea to talk to my ex-girlfriend. To catch but also to just let her know that I'm over her, and to make sure that there's no false hope of us ever getting back together. So the convo started off well. We caught up, small talk. Nothing big or personal. But then things got heavy. Extremely heavy.
I told her that ever since our break-up, I felt that I was getting over the whole thing pretty fast, pretty easily. The only reason for any of this was God. I basically said "God, take this away from me, I'm not going to deal with it. You take care of it." And He did. And He blessed me beyond my comprehension. He provided me with great friends, got me serving again, and gave me a new heart. And then I told her that I just don't see us getting back together again. I told her that I'm over her and that there could be someone new.
That's when she started crying.
If you know me, if I see a girl cry I get super comforting and caring. I will do things to make girls feel better even if it could be borderline inappropriate because they aren't my girlfriend. But this time, I felt God was telling me to be extremely strong.
So here she is, crying in a public place, and I was stone cold. I was very nice tho. I offered her tissues, I would comfort her when she started to really ball. But what she said was the killer.
"I miss you."
"You're exactly everything I want right now."
"Why can't we work on this?"
"I promise this time around I'll treat you right, I'll make you feel special."
"I want to be with you."
Nothing. I felt nothing. I kept on telling her no, that I really can't see us together again, and I feel like we just weren't meant for each other. She thought we were.
This dragged on for nearly one and a half hours, with her constantly crying. And yet the whole time I was with her, my heart didn't break or feel for her, I never fell. I was strong with the mission I had. I'm glad I told her because she never really dealt with the fact that we broke up. She always felt that we would get back together and that's why she never thought she had to deal with it. She's been keeping herself busy but I am glad now she can start getting over me. She started to just cry even more, saying that life wasn't fair, that I had already gotten over her and she just started. She even tried to get me to give her a hug, but I just couldn't. I felt like if I did she would just start to assume that things would be getting better for us.
So we went our separate ways. She was still very emotional so I called her sister to make sure that she would get home safely. Then I got home, and all the emotions that I should have felt came rushing in. I was an emotional wreak. Although I never thought about getting back with her, my heart broke. Here was a girl who was a huge part of my life, and I destroyed her. I broke her heart and the whole time I wasn't there to really comfort her. I feel like an asshole, a jerk, someone who is so cold hearted that I'm surprised I can love.
I pray that God will bless her, and comfort her. I know that she will be fine, I just hope that she won't do anything stupid. Please just pray that God will be in her life, and she she'll be able to lean on Him, her small group, and her family.
Me on the other hand? I'll get over this....
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Jealousy, Love, and Patience
Omg i just had a nightmare, and it was awesome! But let me give out some background information first. One of the things I struggle with the most everyday is jealousy. It stems from my personal insecurities, which get magnified the closer we get to Compton. I think right now I'm jealous of Jesse the most, because he's able to spend so much time planning the Compton trip with her. At the same time, it's completely my fault because I couldn't manage helping her plan for the Compton trip and student teaching at the same time. Everytime I see them together during a Compton meeting, I feel jealous and regret. I've really been praying to God to take all these negative feelings away from me, which leads me to the nightmare I just had.
One of my biggest stress factors would be finances. Because I don't earn any money student teaching, I have to tutor for about 2 hours a day to help support my mom in paying rent and other bills. I can't remember all the details of my dream, but it had me and Jesse just talking. All of a sudden, my mom walks in in tears, telling me that there was some legal issues and how we got scammed and now owe $42k to the landlord. I tried to comfort her, but I was more shocked and in disbelief than anything else. Then I saw Jesse really just comfort her and pray for her in my dream. So yea...like WTF! I never dream about Jesse, but to see him comfort my mom in a crisis like this?!?! That's gotta be God. I think He really wanted me to know two things: one that be happy and humble in what he has provided, and two in that really take away the jealousy I felt for Jesse. It's crazy, I really have no other explanation for this dream!
Dang sorry for running long. Lastly I just want to pray for patience, and really thank the Lord for all you brothers. When I told her how I felt, and told her to take her time, I really expected to have an answer in less than a week. So when I met up with her again on Friday, I was honestly shocked to hear that she isn't close to deciding, she feels overwhelmed with the decision, and that she's pretty much 50-50 right now. She mentioned how she felt like there was a deadline, the Compton trip, for telling me her response. She's struggling with the same thing I struggled with, figuring out whether the timing is good or not. I just feel so helpless, but at the same time so dependent on God. I told her that I'm willing to wait however long it takes, and for her not to rush. I'm so glad to have you brothers, or else I think I'd totally collapse and squeeze an answer out of her.
<3 you guys!
One of my biggest stress factors would be finances. Because I don't earn any money student teaching, I have to tutor for about 2 hours a day to help support my mom in paying rent and other bills. I can't remember all the details of my dream, but it had me and Jesse just talking. All of a sudden, my mom walks in in tears, telling me that there was some legal issues and how we got scammed and now owe $42k to the landlord. I tried to comfort her, but I was more shocked and in disbelief than anything else. Then I saw Jesse really just comfort her and pray for her in my dream. So yea...like WTF! I never dream about Jesse, but to see him comfort my mom in a crisis like this?!?! That's gotta be God. I think He really wanted me to know two things: one that be happy and humble in what he has provided, and two in that really take away the jealousy I felt for Jesse. It's crazy, I really have no other explanation for this dream!
Dang sorry for running long. Lastly I just want to pray for patience, and really thank the Lord for all you brothers. When I told her how I felt, and told her to take her time, I really expected to have an answer in less than a week. So when I met up with her again on Friday, I was honestly shocked to hear that she isn't close to deciding, she feels overwhelmed with the decision, and that she's pretty much 50-50 right now. She mentioned how she felt like there was a deadline, the Compton trip, for telling me her response. She's struggling with the same thing I struggled with, figuring out whether the timing is good or not. I just feel so helpless, but at the same time so dependent on God. I told her that I'm willing to wait however long it takes, and for her not to rush. I'm so glad to have you brothers, or else I think I'd totally collapse and squeeze an answer out of her.
<3 you guys!
Saturday, March 14, 2009
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
I prayed. I talked to my Brothers and Sisters. My heart grew restless as the week came to an end. The first attempt went poorly. My mum and brother strongly advised against the trip to Compton and gave me very little hope. I felt it was a defeat in a spiritual battle.
That was approximately three weeks ago. Throughout this week I had been constantly thinking about the trip, about whether or not God is wanting me to go. My heart kept feeling some sort of conviction to go. As the week drew close to an end, my heart felt so strong about making that decision for myself. Growing up, I never really made a major decision for myself. It was usually a life of either quiet submission to the family, or of secret and inobedient actions behind the family's back. This time, I wanted neither. I really started to realize that I can no longer be constantly relying on the paths my family and I may have set for myself anymore. After hearing Steve's sermon this past Thursday night, I realized that I really need to start searching my Passion & Purpose in His name. The special one, just for me, that He alone has planned. So I've begun to embark on that journey to find out what they are.
So? I lingered around tonight in San Jose, not wanting to go home. I was avoiding this unavoidable moment. With the presence of friends, I calmed down and prayed. Did I ever tell you that I am always thankful beyond words when friends pray for me? Even when the words are not powerful or extravagent, I always knew their hearts are pure and loving. That is why I am always thankful for their hearts, not their words. I finally went home and prayed on the drive home. Among my prayers were that I would praise Him no matter the outcome. I got home only to find in disappointment that my mum has not returned home yet. I went over the Urban Immersion packet once more and opened the Bible to Luke 4 and read over the passage that Steve shared about. The garage door opened and I knew this is the moment. I walked over to my mum and calmy told her about my decision. She asked a few questions about the trip and I patiently answered her. She asked me twice why I want to do these things, and I told her about my heart wanting to serve and step out of my old comfort zone. She listened and agreed to let me know.
Did God just let me go on this trip? I believe He did. The conversation went so smoothly that I kept praising God as I walked back to my room. I immediately shared the good news to the friends that were with me tonight, and prayed to praise Him.
This week will be of preparation of both the heart and the mentality. God is good.
That was approximately three weeks ago. Throughout this week I had been constantly thinking about the trip, about whether or not God is wanting me to go. My heart kept feeling some sort of conviction to go. As the week drew close to an end, my heart felt so strong about making that decision for myself. Growing up, I never really made a major decision for myself. It was usually a life of either quiet submission to the family, or of secret and inobedient actions behind the family's back. This time, I wanted neither. I really started to realize that I can no longer be constantly relying on the paths my family and I may have set for myself anymore. After hearing Steve's sermon this past Thursday night, I realized that I really need to start searching my Passion & Purpose in His name. The special one, just for me, that He alone has planned. So I've begun to embark on that journey to find out what they are.
So? I lingered around tonight in San Jose, not wanting to go home. I was avoiding this unavoidable moment. With the presence of friends, I calmed down and prayed. Did I ever tell you that I am always thankful beyond words when friends pray for me? Even when the words are not powerful or extravagent, I always knew their hearts are pure and loving. That is why I am always thankful for their hearts, not their words. I finally went home and prayed on the drive home. Among my prayers were that I would praise Him no matter the outcome. I got home only to find in disappointment that my mum has not returned home yet. I went over the Urban Immersion packet once more and opened the Bible to Luke 4 and read over the passage that Steve shared about. The garage door opened and I knew this is the moment. I walked over to my mum and calmy told her about my decision. She asked a few questions about the trip and I patiently answered her. She asked me twice why I want to do these things, and I told her about my heart wanting to serve and step out of my old comfort zone. She listened and agreed to let me know.
Did God just let me go on this trip? I believe He did. The conversation went so smoothly that I kept praising God as I walked back to my room. I immediately shared the good news to the friends that were with me tonight, and prayed to praise Him.
This week will be of preparation of both the heart and the mentality. God is good.
Friday, March 13, 2009
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Heart
I guess where should I start. Your heart is the most important thing in the world. It is the thing that you should guard it with your life. For instance, do not let girls sway you guys from the truth and understand that just be prepared in all circumstances. In a relationship, prepare for the unexpected like issues between each other or families. I know for a fact Nicole's parents never liked me in the beginning just because I was older than her and her first boyfriend. So just be prepared to hit some snags along the way.
A verse that goes along with relationships is Proverbs 4:23:
"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life."
Just remember that no matter who you like or want to date. Guard your heart because you do not want to get hurt by the girl you thought was the "girl of your dreams." Listen to what God has to say to you and in terms of following your heart. Do not always follow your heart because it can mislead you. For me it mislead me, to the point of feeling bad for myself during my first year of college. I remember crying alot at home because of the pain inside of me and also knowing that I did not guard my heart and prepare myself for the outcome. I always hoped that my ex-girlfriend and I would get back together. Such lies that I played out in my head and in my heart. So just remember to guard your heart and never lose sight of God. God will lead you along the right path and in terms of dating, He already picked out that special person for you.
Question to think about:
Relationships in the world are portrayed as the feeling of comfort, love, and care, but what is God's idea of a genuine relationship?
A verse that goes along with relationships is Proverbs 4:23:
"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life."
Just remember that no matter who you like or want to date. Guard your heart because you do not want to get hurt by the girl you thought was the "girl of your dreams." Listen to what God has to say to you and in terms of following your heart. Do not always follow your heart because it can mislead you. For me it mislead me, to the point of feeling bad for myself during my first year of college. I remember crying alot at home because of the pain inside of me and also knowing that I did not guard my heart and prepare myself for the outcome. I always hoped that my ex-girlfriend and I would get back together. Such lies that I played out in my head and in my heart. So just remember to guard your heart and never lose sight of God. God will lead you along the right path and in terms of dating, He already picked out that special person for you.
Question to think about:
Relationships in the world are portrayed as the feeling of comfort, love, and care, but what is God's idea of a genuine relationship?
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Rest
In these past few weeks, one of the few things I've been pondering upon is where can I find rest. My mind is given over to thousands of different things, and worries pile up about myself and where I see myself. I don't know why that I worry, and I know I'm not in control of the situation when I want to be.
I'm scared of the uncertainty that is my future, and where it'll lead me. I'm scared that I won't be able to live up the expectations that are set before me by my family, and how I compare myself to my colleagues that have already graduated college and have a seemingly set path before them. I tell myself that it'll get better, and just to have faith that God is the driver and I'm not. Don't you have that feeling though even when you're in the passenger seat, and even though the driver assures that he or she is safe. When you ride and it gets all crazy, and you still get scared and the worst part is that you have no control over it. Yeah I have that feeling.
I've found that deep inside I am weary of what I cannot change, and the hope that I have in God is not looking good. Do I have doubts? I probably do. I don't know whether it'll be gone until I've graduated and breathe a sigh of relief.
In the mean time, to battle this constant weariness, and to refresh myself, I know that rest in God is imperative. I find that as much as I want to serve and be a radical Jesus follower, I cannot serve Him in a condition and an attitude that does not know what rest means. Solitude and in the quietness is where I can really meet God. In the stillness is where I find peace to quell the worries that I internalize. Going out and doing good works is great, but without a right attitude of serving, it is useless.
I find that rest between me and God really is the vital necessity that keeps me sane and believing. Without it, I would not know where my life would be.
Peace.
I'm scared of the uncertainty that is my future, and where it'll lead me. I'm scared that I won't be able to live up the expectations that are set before me by my family, and how I compare myself to my colleagues that have already graduated college and have a seemingly set path before them. I tell myself that it'll get better, and just to have faith that God is the driver and I'm not. Don't you have that feeling though even when you're in the passenger seat, and even though the driver assures that he or she is safe. When you ride and it gets all crazy, and you still get scared and the worst part is that you have no control over it. Yeah I have that feeling.
I've found that deep inside I am weary of what I cannot change, and the hope that I have in God is not looking good. Do I have doubts? I probably do. I don't know whether it'll be gone until I've graduated and breathe a sigh of relief.
In the mean time, to battle this constant weariness, and to refresh myself, I know that rest in God is imperative. I find that as much as I want to serve and be a radical Jesus follower, I cannot serve Him in a condition and an attitude that does not know what rest means. Solitude and in the quietness is where I can really meet God. In the stillness is where I find peace to quell the worries that I internalize. Going out and doing good works is great, but without a right attitude of serving, it is useless.
I find that rest between me and God really is the vital necessity that keeps me sane and believing. Without it, I would not know where my life would be.
Peace.
Monday, March 9, 2009
It's me again!
Hey guys,
I've been writing a ton on this and i kinda feel bad. But Wutangtanger told me it was ok, so blame him if you get tired of me. I just like writing and i got a lot of stuff to let out of my brain/heart/stuff... Here it goes:
Those you who didn't go to the Campus Awakening Conference on Saturday totally missed out. Basically, you all missed out except for Ehoungster :) That day was amazing in all kinds of ways, which I won't go into details, but there will be sharing at TNL about it. What I have to say is that God definitely showed up, we forced ourselves to push new boundaries and we were blessed a thousand times more.
Since the retreat I have been wanting to lay hands on my dad and pray for him. He's still suffering from his hip, and not getting better. Today I was in the bus thinking, as much as I have learned if I don't apply it regularly it is going to slip away. When I got home I chatted with my parents. My dad wasn't doing great. My mom told me she had been reading this book about healing, and my dad was sharing from Isaiah 53, how Jesus was one who knows of suffering and grief. Then I shared about my experience at the conference and how I saw God speak directly into people's lives. For the first time I felt like my experience with God was affecting my family. All that just was the perfect set up, so we prayed for my dad. My dad did not get healed. I really felt lead by the spirit in prayer, I saw my mom taking a new step in her faith, and my dad being comforted by the love of Christ.
This might not seem like much, but i was so overwhelmed with what God was doing in our family. My dad was not healed. My mom said, let's do this everyday. I'm seriously excited about getting together with my family to pray. It's something i dreaded almost my whole life and it has become the highlight of my day :) My dad was not healed today, but he will be. My family will be persistent and God will show up... in a big way.
Friday, March 6, 2009
Not A Matter of Talk But Power
I absolutely love 1 COR 4:20.
For the kingdom of God is not a matter of talk, but of power.
I also memorized this compelling message - 1 COR 2:4-5.
My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but a demonstration of the Spirit's power, so that your faith might not rest on men's wisdom, but on God's power.
I've been talking with Ian Patterson via Facebook and he recommended these two books (I ordered them off Amazon.com). They just came in the mail and I'm super-excited and hungry to unlock and apply this knowledge.
Oh, big notice: I just wanted to let you know that it's been a full week where I have not been tempted ONCE to dabble into pornography. This is AMAZING for me since 15 years of my life embraced porn (before I accepted Christ at the age of 24).
I don't even think or even consider going on the Internet to look. While I've gone to long periods of purity, this is a first for me to not even struggle. When Ian told his story about how he invited the Holy Spirit to transform him, he said he was and continues to be immune to porn.
I, too, can now tell the image in my mirror, "I am immune to pornography, in the name and power of the Holy Spirit." I'm praying to God for continued strength.
Loving God and Loving my bros!
For the kingdom of God is not a matter of talk, but of power.
I also memorized this compelling message - 1 COR 2:4-5.
My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but a demonstration of the Spirit's power, so that your faith might not rest on men's wisdom, but on God's power.
I've been talking with Ian Patterson via Facebook and he recommended these two books (I ordered them off Amazon.com). They just came in the mail and I'm super-excited and hungry to unlock and apply this knowledge.
- Rediscovering the Kingdom - Myles Munroe
- Developing a Supernatural Lifestyle - Kris Valloton
Oh, big notice: I just wanted to let you know that it's been a full week where I have not been tempted ONCE to dabble into pornography. This is AMAZING for me since 15 years of my life embraced porn (before I accepted Christ at the age of 24).
I don't even think or even consider going on the Internet to look. While I've gone to long periods of purity, this is a first for me to not even struggle. When Ian told his story about how he invited the Holy Spirit to transform him, he said he was and continues to be immune to porn.
I, too, can now tell the image in my mirror, "I am immune to pornography, in the name and power of the Holy Spirit." I'm praying to God for continued strength.
Loving God and Loving my bros!
Prayer = Results
Hey guys,
I am healing! Like seriously, I AM!
For the first time since beginning of January I am pain free, and sickness free. Now I know I'm not 100% yet because when i go poo poo it's not exactly the way it should be, but it's better than it's been since january. For the first time I felt energized. I ran without feeling that I was gunna collapse. My body feels right again. This is amazing. I'm supper excited. It's been 3 days since I've been feeling like this. My last post was about prayer with expectations. Well my expectations were met! HAH! Prayer does work.
Now I'm pumped from the retreat and also being in the process of healing. I don't want this to fade away. I don't want this retreat to be something i reminisce about. I want it to have a lasting impact.
I got an email from Steve today forwarding an email from Ian letting us know about this conference this weekend. I feel convicted to go. I'm scared and nervous of the things we will be doing, but I have to go. I don't want what i learned at the retreat to be just talk. You guys should come with me:
http://www.jesusculture.org/index.php?page=conference&id=47&pid=190&tPid=2
http://www.jesusculture.org/index.php?page=conference&id=47&pid=190&tPid=2
I've been praying a lot. I want to see more.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Guarding Your Heart
Guarding your heart is a concept many people do not really understand, and at many times, tend to forget. Your heart is where all your emotions are stored up, where you can feel butterflies everytime you see your special person, to feeling like the whole world is on your shoulders. Your heart is precious and you only have one. When you find your true love you are supposed to give your heart to that person. But what kind of heart are you going to give them? A pure, clean heart that has waited only for them? A heart that has been bruised but still has the potential to love fully? Or a heart that is black and torn apart by different lovers? I admit that I gave my heart away freely. I let others use it, abuse it, and take it for themselves. I thought I was giving my heart to someone who would care for it, someone who would love it as their own, but I was wrong. Even though I knew I was wrong I still let this person hold my heart. Why? Because I wanted someone to hold it, anyone, and have hope that one day they'll treat it better. But this false hope was nothing but a foolish visad.
Guard your heart. Be careful who you give it to. Make sure God says it's ok to give it to that person. Instead of having other people tear away at your heart, making you feel like you're worth nothing to them, and that your heart is worth nothing to them, guard it. Save it for someone you know will treat it nicely. Someone who will love your heart more than their own. Someone you know that your heart will be happy with and will grow with.
Be careful. Don't let the weakness of loneliness drive you to give your heart to someone just so someone else can hold it. Be strong. Know that your heart is patient, it's you who isn't.
Remember. If you need to give your heart to someone, give it to God. He'll take good care of it until He approves of you giving it to someone else.
Take care everyone. God Bless
Guard your heart. Be careful who you give it to. Make sure God says it's ok to give it to that person. Instead of having other people tear away at your heart, making you feel like you're worth nothing to them, and that your heart is worth nothing to them, guard it. Save it for someone you know will treat it nicely. Someone who will love your heart more than their own. Someone you know that your heart will be happy with and will grow with.
Be careful. Don't let the weakness of loneliness drive you to give your heart to someone just so someone else can hold it. Be strong. Know that your heart is patient, it's you who isn't.
Remember. If you need to give your heart to someone, give it to God. He'll take good care of it until He approves of you giving it to someone else.
Take care everyone. God Bless
Monday, March 2, 2009
Hey brothers.
I'm so glad we have this blog. I want to go deeper with you brothers in Christ, wanting brotherhood.
Dude, i'm wrestling back and forth between my attractions for her. I tell myself a lot of times throughout the day to give up the feelings and attractions, the romanticism, whatever directs my thoughts to her. But I always come back to thinking about her again. Its just a back and forth battle.
At the retreat, you probably can guess that my mind was doing that a lot because she was there too. I told myself I was not even going to say hi to her-to avoid contact with her at all costs. I didn't, but it was hard. There was some random moments when i saw her too. I was outside at the back of the cabin doing pull-ups at the still of the night, and when I started walking back to the cabin, she popped out walking to her cabin. -_-... (whirlpool of emotions in that situation)
Okay this is going to get deep. I know its foolish what I'm about to say.
I had this inkling that I'm going to marry her in the future. I know, its far-fetched and not right. I had some hope of marrying her because I had this picture of this missionary family I met at my home church last year. It was just a picture to remind me to pray for them, but the father looked like me, and the wife looked like her, but 20 years into the future. And there were some kids. And I thought that was someting God was telling me, like thats how its gonna be in the future. It probably isnt true, but my feelings obviously are screaming the opposite.
I think though my attactions for her are fading away. When I got back from retreat and dropped off ppl in my car and went back to my apartment I actually saw her car parked. I unpacked, drove out to do laundry by mark and brians place, then drove back to my apartment. I saw her car again. This was lik 8pm ish. I was thinkin, whats goin on? And I thought she might have been at someone's volleyball game. I thought then, "she must like him?" Then things in my heart grew uneasy. When I got back, I broke down and cried and talked to God everything what was going on my heart.
I obviously know the route I gotta take. Singleness, but its so hard. Its hard man, cuz I feel I poured out so much of my heart in this woman, but in the end its like something that probably wont work out. I feel like I've broken up in a relationship but its ironic because I never had contact with her about this at all. And I feel like a portion of my heart has been like given away to another girl, leaving my future wife with only the breadcrumbs of the heart (like eric said b4). I feel like I want to lock up the keys of my heart and put on 5 layers of titanium-alloy armor on it cuz I dont want to go through the same thing again.
I still wrestle with thinkin about her, but yeah.
Lord, help me be infactuated with You instead of her. Instead, help us men be satified singles, and fully developed young men of God. Instead, use us to make a difference for You. God, help us to know you as our Dad, deep within. Help us to be kingdom bringers to this campus. Sell us out to you with so much passion, let it overflow.
thanks bros.
I'm so glad we have this blog. I want to go deeper with you brothers in Christ, wanting brotherhood.
Dude, i'm wrestling back and forth between my attractions for her. I tell myself a lot of times throughout the day to give up the feelings and attractions, the romanticism, whatever directs my thoughts to her. But I always come back to thinking about her again. Its just a back and forth battle.
At the retreat, you probably can guess that my mind was doing that a lot because she was there too. I told myself I was not even going to say hi to her-to avoid contact with her at all costs. I didn't, but it was hard. There was some random moments when i saw her too. I was outside at the back of the cabin doing pull-ups at the still of the night, and when I started walking back to the cabin, she popped out walking to her cabin. -_-... (whirlpool of emotions in that situation)
Okay this is going to get deep. I know its foolish what I'm about to say.
I had this inkling that I'm going to marry her in the future. I know, its far-fetched and not right. I had some hope of marrying her because I had this picture of this missionary family I met at my home church last year. It was just a picture to remind me to pray for them, but the father looked like me, and the wife looked like her, but 20 years into the future. And there were some kids. And I thought that was someting God was telling me, like thats how its gonna be in the future. It probably isnt true, but my feelings obviously are screaming the opposite.
I think though my attactions for her are fading away. When I got back from retreat and dropped off ppl in my car and went back to my apartment I actually saw her car parked. I unpacked, drove out to do laundry by mark and brians place, then drove back to my apartment. I saw her car again. This was lik 8pm ish. I was thinkin, whats goin on? And I thought she might have been at someone's volleyball game. I thought then, "she must like him?" Then things in my heart grew uneasy. When I got back, I broke down and cried and talked to God everything what was going on my heart.
I obviously know the route I gotta take. Singleness, but its so hard. Its hard man, cuz I feel I poured out so much of my heart in this woman, but in the end its like something that probably wont work out. I feel like I've broken up in a relationship but its ironic because I never had contact with her about this at all. And I feel like a portion of my heart has been like given away to another girl, leaving my future wife with only the breadcrumbs of the heart (like eric said b4). I feel like I want to lock up the keys of my heart and put on 5 layers of titanium-alloy armor on it cuz I dont want to go through the same thing again.
I still wrestle with thinkin about her, but yeah.
Lord, help me be infactuated with You instead of her. Instead, help us men be satified singles, and fully developed young men of God. Instead, use us to make a difference for You. God, help us to know you as our Dad, deep within. Help us to be kingdom bringers to this campus. Sell us out to you with so much passion, let it overflow.
thanks bros.
Prayers with expectations
This retreat was just awesome! Don't think I could say my favorite because the Inside Out retreat was my first retreat and a Huge turning point in my life. But this retreat makes me want to do something, I don't want to forget what I have just learned. I want to apply it NOW.
I prayer has not really been a huge emphasis on my life. Even though I was one of the few that showed up for Pulse morning prayer every week, it just didn't mean much to me. I realized that the reason is that I prayed without expecting anything to happen. It seemed like the only way to pray without getting disappointed. But this retreat showed me another way. When we pray expecting, and as if it had already happened, we are affirming at that very moment that God can, and will do it. If our prayer does not come true at this moment we need to try again. Just like the story of the persistent widow.
I have been sick for 2 months now. I desperately wanted healing. I knew Ian had healed many people and I wanted to be part of them. It didn't happen. It doesn't mean God wants me to be sick, but that he has a perfect timing for everything. So I will keep praying everyday, expecting God's healing over me, and my dad. I will demand it, and claim it in the name of Jesus. What caused my sickness was not of God's will, but the sin of my life creating a separation and allowing the devil to take over. I'm done with this. I want a revolution in my life, I want to see people get healed, I want to be dominated with the Holy Spirit.
Don't be surprised if I start jumping off walls next week.
I prayer has not really been a huge emphasis on my life. Even though I was one of the few that showed up for Pulse morning prayer every week, it just didn't mean much to me. I realized that the reason is that I prayed without expecting anything to happen. It seemed like the only way to pray without getting disappointed. But this retreat showed me another way. When we pray expecting, and as if it had already happened, we are affirming at that very moment that God can, and will do it. If our prayer does not come true at this moment we need to try again. Just like the story of the persistent widow.
I have been sick for 2 months now. I desperately wanted healing. I knew Ian had healed many people and I wanted to be part of them. It didn't happen. It doesn't mean God wants me to be sick, but that he has a perfect timing for everything. So I will keep praying everyday, expecting God's healing over me, and my dad. I will demand it, and claim it in the name of Jesus. What caused my sickness was not of God's will, but the sin of my life creating a separation and allowing the devil to take over. I'm done with this. I want a revolution in my life, I want to see people get healed, I want to be dominated with the Holy Spirit.
Don't be surprised if I start jumping off walls next week.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
I Want it Back
I find it frustrating. There are times when I firmly believe that the situation is smooth sailing and all is good again, and there are times when I am left baffled and emotionally disconnected. I feel as if I deserve most of the credit for the effort in rebuilding and maintaining the friendship. It's almost as if she doesn't care as much as I do. She has assured me otherwise, but how can I take her words with confidence when there are times I feel as if I am ignored and even excluded?
Treating everyone the same is a bold statement. Different people in your life inevitably receive different levels of attention and care. There are closer friends and there are convenient friends. This is the ugly truth. If you say that you can't treat someone differently than others, then you are simply lying to yourself and avoiding the problem. There are friends that you can confide in better than others. There are friends that you can have more fun with than others. There are friends who understand you better than others. If you end up treating everyone with the same level of friendship, would that not be false treatment?
I feel like what is missing from last year's friendship is the key ingredient to what made it so strong. Can you believe it? I miss it and I feel like it is not coming back no matter how much I sprint for it.
That is just me. I might be wrong. I might be very emotionally unbalanced, but I do know that being selective and exclusive is not the way to be involved and to walk outside of the comfort zone. That isn't growing. That is simply playing it safe in your own field and keeping yourself secretive. There is not point telling people you want to grow if all you are to do is stay the same and keep yourself within your little groups and select certain people to interact with.
I am simply returning a bit of your own medicine to taste.
I would normally write this kind of post in my own journal blog, but maybe people have different opinions to share.
Treating everyone the same is a bold statement. Different people in your life inevitably receive different levels of attention and care. There are closer friends and there are convenient friends. This is the ugly truth. If you say that you can't treat someone differently than others, then you are simply lying to yourself and avoiding the problem. There are friends that you can confide in better than others. There are friends that you can have more fun with than others. There are friends who understand you better than others. If you end up treating everyone with the same level of friendship, would that not be false treatment?
I feel like what is missing from last year's friendship is the key ingredient to what made it so strong. Can you believe it? I miss it and I feel like it is not coming back no matter how much I sprint for it.
That is just me. I might be wrong. I might be very emotionally unbalanced, but I do know that being selective and exclusive is not the way to be involved and to walk outside of the comfort zone. That isn't growing. That is simply playing it safe in your own field and keeping yourself secretive. There is not point telling people you want to grow if all you are to do is stay the same and keep yourself within your little groups and select certain people to interact with.
I am simply returning a bit of your own medicine to taste.
I would normally write this kind of post in my own journal blog, but maybe people have different opinions to share.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
My Faith
Where shall I start.... well lately this past year ever since I've been going to Pulse, I felt reconnected with God. But at the same time, I feel like I don't really know where I stand with God anymore. Ever since I broke away from God last year, things haven't really been the same.
Sometimes I do certain things just because it seems like the "right" thing to do like serving on the leadership team or various God-related stuff. I don't know if my heart is even there for the things that I do. I really want to stay on top with God, but at the same time I feel like I can't. Maybe I lost the heart and passion that God once instilled in me. I keep trying to rekindle that passion, but nothing seems to flow. When I try to read His word, nothing really sticks out. Even during bible study or something like that, I can probably interpret what God might be trying to say, but I don't even know if that's what I'm really thinking or if that's what God's really trying to say to me.
Often times I happen to fall into the pits of sin. It doesn't phase me. I don't even feel the pain that God feels when I sin. Lust has taken its toll on me and I keep falling back in to the same cycle over and over again and sometimes I don't even feel sorry what I did. Ugh, it drives me crazy because it's like I'm living a double life. I just really hope God convicts me and changes my old ways.
Sometimes I do certain things just because it seems like the "right" thing to do like serving on the leadership team or various God-related stuff. I don't know if my heart is even there for the things that I do. I really want to stay on top with God, but at the same time I feel like I can't. Maybe I lost the heart and passion that God once instilled in me. I keep trying to rekindle that passion, but nothing seems to flow. When I try to read His word, nothing really sticks out. Even during bible study or something like that, I can probably interpret what God might be trying to say, but I don't even know if that's what I'm really thinking or if that's what God's really trying to say to me.
Often times I happen to fall into the pits of sin. It doesn't phase me. I don't even feel the pain that God feels when I sin. Lust has taken its toll on me and I keep falling back in to the same cycle over and over again and sometimes I don't even feel sorry what I did. Ugh, it drives me crazy because it's like I'm living a double life. I just really hope God convicts me and changes my old ways.
Approval
We all seek it everyday of our lives. We want to be recognized, we want to be loved, we want to be awknowledged that we're doing a good job. We seek approval from our parents, friends, employers, and even our spouses and significant others. But why? Why are we so focused on what other people think? We can't we just seek God's approval? Why can't we see that the only person's approval that we need is His, and chances are He already gives it to us.
And yet we ignore it. Yet we still hope that pretty girl will see us as a potential and return the feelings. We still hope that if we do well in school and get that 4.0, our parents and our friends will see us with respect. But what about our character? What about the things unspoken? What about the sacrifices that we make to ourselves which we suffer with everyday, and yet no one but God knows about it? Why can't that be good enough? To know that God is with us, smiling down on us, and loving us every single second of every single day.
We seek approval on this rock, this pitiful little piece of space dust floating in the vastness of the universe. And we want to be recognized by the people living on it. The devil's kingdom is Earth, he hates hell himself. So on this little rock we seek approval of the world. We want to be seen as successful through material possessions and the number of connections we have with the world. Why can't we be content that we're good people? That we try to show God everyday that we love Him. Why can't we strive for God's approval instead of the worlds. His expectations are much lower and His reward is much greater.
Approval.
Even when everyone in the world is giving you a standing ovation, but God is still sitting down in His seat, you have gained nothing. And yet if God is the only one standing and applauding you, then you have gained everything. Don't get sucked down in this world. Don't let the little whispers of gossip and the weight of the world bring you down. You honestly don't need this world, all you need is God. What does this world offer that's more satisfying that knowing the Lord Jesus Christ?
And yet we ignore it. Yet we still hope that pretty girl will see us as a potential and return the feelings. We still hope that if we do well in school and get that 4.0, our parents and our friends will see us with respect. But what about our character? What about the things unspoken? What about the sacrifices that we make to ourselves which we suffer with everyday, and yet no one but God knows about it? Why can't that be good enough? To know that God is with us, smiling down on us, and loving us every single second of every single day.
We seek approval on this rock, this pitiful little piece of space dust floating in the vastness of the universe. And we want to be recognized by the people living on it. The devil's kingdom is Earth, he hates hell himself. So on this little rock we seek approval of the world. We want to be seen as successful through material possessions and the number of connections we have with the world. Why can't we be content that we're good people? That we try to show God everyday that we love Him. Why can't we strive for God's approval instead of the worlds. His expectations are much lower and His reward is much greater.
Approval.
Even when everyone in the world is giving you a standing ovation, but God is still sitting down in His seat, you have gained nothing. And yet if God is the only one standing and applauding you, then you have gained everything. Don't get sucked down in this world. Don't let the little whispers of gossip and the weight of the world bring you down. You honestly don't need this world, all you need is God. What does this world offer that's more satisfying that knowing the Lord Jesus Christ?
Monday, February 23, 2009
Desperate for Morocco
The attempt took less than fifteen seconds. I left frustrated, hurt, and greatly pissed. Whether my mum was in a foul mood or not, that was just pathetic. I was given no chance at all to explain the details of the Morocco missions trip. All I was able to get out was that it's Morocco and it's in Africa. She flat-out said "no" twice, in which I asked her calmly her reasons for the swift decision. I received a yelled "Just because!" in Chinese. She then proceeded to ramble about school and my situation.
For those who know little about my school situation: I was dropped by Purdue University out in Indiana, the second time in May of 2008. Unable to register that late for San Jose State, I was left with the option of applying for Open University. An Open University student is allowed to take classes without the status of a full-time student. I am also given the lowest priority in terms of choosing classes. You can definitely imagine the difficulty I had to endure last fall just to secure three classes. I was supposed to be admitted this spring semester, but because I was unaware of A3 Critical Thinking requirement, I was turned down for admission. Imagine that! All because of one class I do not have completed, I was forced to go through open university again for spring and to re-apply for Fall 2009. This hardship has definitely made me regret, yet it has forced me to take care of myself and to initiate for my own things.
Given my academic situation, that has always been the sole trump card my family uses when I spend time with church-related events and people. Once again, it proved useful when I asked permission to go on the Morocco missions trip. I am feeling more hurt about not given a single chance to give information about the trip and my reasons for wanting to go, then I am about being turned down.
I could really use prayers. I have always had a hard time getting my family to understand me. They seem to not really understand that my involvement with Pulse has been the one thing that has picked me up from my hard times ever since I came here. It's always been the one reason I am thankful for the Lord and His amazing love. Serving my Brothers and Sisters has been and will always be my own way of saying God is good. It has also been teaching me about how to live my life. How can that be a distraction for school? How can school be more important than God? My family will never understand, no matter how hard I try, or so it seems.
A year ago, I was always avoiding the talk of missions trips. I could not and did not want to see myself being part of one. Despite knowing it's God's calling for everyone, I simply avoided it. Now that I truly see what He has in store for those out there, I really want to step out of my old safezone and be in the frontline for Him.
Thanks for taking your time for reading through this. I'm just really devasted. I prayed but I didn't feel any better. I cannot even smile. This is just ridiculous.
-eric
For those who know little about my school situation: I was dropped by Purdue University out in Indiana, the second time in May of 2008. Unable to register that late for San Jose State, I was left with the option of applying for Open University. An Open University student is allowed to take classes without the status of a full-time student. I am also given the lowest priority in terms of choosing classes. You can definitely imagine the difficulty I had to endure last fall just to secure three classes. I was supposed to be admitted this spring semester, but because I was unaware of A3 Critical Thinking requirement, I was turned down for admission. Imagine that! All because of one class I do not have completed, I was forced to go through open university again for spring and to re-apply for Fall 2009. This hardship has definitely made me regret, yet it has forced me to take care of myself and to initiate for my own things.
Given my academic situation, that has always been the sole trump card my family uses when I spend time with church-related events and people. Once again, it proved useful when I asked permission to go on the Morocco missions trip. I am feeling more hurt about not given a single chance to give information about the trip and my reasons for wanting to go, then I am about being turned down.
I could really use prayers. I have always had a hard time getting my family to understand me. They seem to not really understand that my involvement with Pulse has been the one thing that has picked me up from my hard times ever since I came here. It's always been the one reason I am thankful for the Lord and His amazing love. Serving my Brothers and Sisters has been and will always be my own way of saying God is good. It has also been teaching me about how to live my life. How can that be a distraction for school? How can school be more important than God? My family will never understand, no matter how hard I try, or so it seems.
A year ago, I was always avoiding the talk of missions trips. I could not and did not want to see myself being part of one. Despite knowing it's God's calling for everyone, I simply avoided it. Now that I truly see what He has in store for those out there, I really want to step out of my old safezone and be in the frontline for Him.
Thanks for taking your time for reading through this. I'm just really devasted. I prayed but I didn't feel any better. I cannot even smile. This is just ridiculous.
-eric
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Friends
Just a quick reference to Flight of the Conchords :)
Pom pom-pom, pom pom-pom (ping) (repeat)
Friends sing together
La La La La
Friends do things together
La La La La
Friends laugh together
Ha Ha Ha Ha
Friends make graphs together
La La La La
Friends help you when you're in danger
Friends are people who are not strangers
Friends help you shift into a new place
Tell you if you've got food on you're face
Friends are the ones, on who you can depend
He's my friend, He's not my friend
Friends are the ones who are there at the end
He's my friend, They're not my friends
If you trip over I'll catch you're fall
If you break my dick, I won't break you're balls
If you get drunk and vomit on me
I'll make sure you get home safely
If you cross the road and a drunk struck you
And scrape you up and reconstruct you
I'll cheer you up if you're depressed
If you get murdered I'll avenge you're death
Friends walk together
La La La La
Pop and lock together
(Zzi zzu Zzi Zzu)
Me and him together
La La La La
Me and Jim forever
Friends go jogging at the track
Friends borrow money never pay It back
Friends do not let friends do crack
Friends go out and grab a snack
Friends drink beer in the sun
Unlike girlfriends they don't mind if you have more than one
Friends tell you when you're flys undone
My Uncle John had a special friend
They dressed a like, his name was Ben
I've never seen two friends like them
They we're very very friendly men
La La La La
Friends, Friends, Friends
Pom pom-pom, pom pom-pom (ping) (repeat)
Friends sing together
La La La La
Friends do things together
La La La La
Friends laugh together
Ha Ha Ha Ha
Friends make graphs together
La La La La
Friends help you when you're in danger
Friends are people who are not strangers
Friends help you shift into a new place
Tell you if you've got food on you're face
Friends are the ones, on who you can depend
He's my friend, He's not my friend
Friends are the ones who are there at the end
He's my friend, They're not my friends
If you trip over I'll catch you're fall
If you break my dick, I won't break you're balls
If you get drunk and vomit on me
I'll make sure you get home safely
If you cross the road and a drunk struck you
And scrape you up and reconstruct you
I'll cheer you up if you're depressed
If you get murdered I'll avenge you're death
Friends walk together
La La La La
Pop and lock together
(Zzi zzu Zzi Zzu)
Me and him together
La La La La
Me and Jim forever
Friends go jogging at the track
Friends borrow money never pay It back
Friends do not let friends do crack
Friends go out and grab a snack
Friends drink beer in the sun
Unlike girlfriends they don't mind if you have more than one
Friends tell you when you're flys undone
My Uncle John had a special friend
They dressed a like, his name was Ben
I've never seen two friends like them
They we're very very friendly men
La La La La
Friends, Friends, Friends
Friday, February 20, 2009
Drop It Like It's Hot
And that is what I plan to do. I told you guys something big was gonna happen and it did. It happened last night and up until that point it's been killing me to keep it in. So buckle up and enjoy the ride, because this is gonna go deep.
I guess you can say it all started in December, when I broke up with my ex-girlfriend. Yeah I was sad. After being with someone for so long you're bound to be sad when you break up with them. But God blessed me and the break-up actually went very well. I saw that my ex was not the girl God had in mind for me and I felt the He truly rewarded me for my decision. I was never caught in depression and only saw the blessings God gave me through my loneliness.
Now I started hanging out a lot with close friends and new ones. One of them was a female which I thought to be significantly more attractive than anyone else. She's Pretty =). Anyways. I didn't think much about it at the time. I was more focused on the fact that my spiritual life was going down the tubes, and I needed to save it. I devoted a lot of my newly found time with God. I surrounded myself with Christian friends and community and found that I was growing a lot with God.
So then school started. Ah, dreadful school. Because one of my friends had graduated the semester before, I was quite afraid that my days spent on the campus would be lonely due to the fact that I neglected many relationships in the previous semester. I spent so much time with my ex that I failed to grow and nurture new relationships. But this girl which I found to be attractive started to offer me companionship. We started studying together at school and just talk about life, relationships, and even love.
I didn't even see the pothole coming. Here I am walking through my life, trying to get through, and I start trippin' on potholes. Potholes = girls. Well I started trippin' over this girl. I started to think about her a lot. I started to notice just how pretty she was. And I started to realize that I was in trouble. I started to freak out. This girl and I started to have a great friendship and I didn't wanna screw it up! Her friendship weighs more than the potential of starting a relationship. So what did I do? I told her that I was attracted to her. Because she was such a great friend, I wanted to be completely honest with her. This is what I felt at that time: I'm attracted to you. You have absolutely nothing to worry about. Our friendship is stronger then that. And things didn't change at all. Being such a great person she saw where I was coming from. And our friendship continued...
But that's not all.
Something else happened.
I started to like her. Even though I told myself not to. Her smile will brighten up my day. When I hear her voice I can't help but give her my full attention. So...what did I do? I started to talk to all the wise men I knew. What to do about my feelings? What to do about my situation? One thing that I knew I had to do was talk to P. Stiddy. That guy is so full of wisdom that his insight should always been sought out.
So, after talking to everyone I came up with this: Tell her the truth.
So I told her.
I told her I liked her, but I knew that I wasn't ready for a relationship. I wanted my spiritual life to grow. I wanted to make sure that in my next relationship I would be strong enough in my faith to be the spiritual leader. To be able to guide me and my future wife towards God, and place Him in the middle of our love. She felt the exact same way, she was looking out for me. She said the idea of me crossed her mind, but that she saw how my spiritual growth hasn't really stopped. So we decided. Yeah. I like her. Yeah I want to grow more in God. And you know what? God's gonna take care of the rest.
I guess you can say it all started in December, when I broke up with my ex-girlfriend. Yeah I was sad. After being with someone for so long you're bound to be sad when you break up with them. But God blessed me and the break-up actually went very well. I saw that my ex was not the girl God had in mind for me and I felt the He truly rewarded me for my decision. I was never caught in depression and only saw the blessings God gave me through my loneliness.
Now I started hanging out a lot with close friends and new ones. One of them was a female which I thought to be significantly more attractive than anyone else. She's Pretty =). Anyways. I didn't think much about it at the time. I was more focused on the fact that my spiritual life was going down the tubes, and I needed to save it. I devoted a lot of my newly found time with God. I surrounded myself with Christian friends and community and found that I was growing a lot with God.
So then school started. Ah, dreadful school. Because one of my friends had graduated the semester before, I was quite afraid that my days spent on the campus would be lonely due to the fact that I neglected many relationships in the previous semester. I spent so much time with my ex that I failed to grow and nurture new relationships. But this girl which I found to be attractive started to offer me companionship. We started studying together at school and just talk about life, relationships, and even love.
I didn't even see the pothole coming. Here I am walking through my life, trying to get through, and I start trippin' on potholes. Potholes = girls. Well I started trippin' over this girl. I started to think about her a lot. I started to notice just how pretty she was. And I started to realize that I was in trouble. I started to freak out. This girl and I started to have a great friendship and I didn't wanna screw it up! Her friendship weighs more than the potential of starting a relationship. So what did I do? I told her that I was attracted to her. Because she was such a great friend, I wanted to be completely honest with her. This is what I felt at that time: I'm attracted to you. You have absolutely nothing to worry about. Our friendship is stronger then that. And things didn't change at all. Being such a great person she saw where I was coming from. And our friendship continued...
But that's not all.
Something else happened.
I started to like her. Even though I told myself not to. Her smile will brighten up my day. When I hear her voice I can't help but give her my full attention. So...what did I do? I started to talk to all the wise men I knew. What to do about my feelings? What to do about my situation? One thing that I knew I had to do was talk to P. Stiddy. That guy is so full of wisdom that his insight should always been sought out.
So, after talking to everyone I came up with this: Tell her the truth.
So I told her.
I told her I liked her, but I knew that I wasn't ready for a relationship. I wanted my spiritual life to grow. I wanted to make sure that in my next relationship I would be strong enough in my faith to be the spiritual leader. To be able to guide me and my future wife towards God, and place Him in the middle of our love. She felt the exact same way, she was looking out for me. She said the idea of me crossed her mind, but that she saw how my spiritual growth hasn't really stopped. So we decided. Yeah. I like her. Yeah I want to grow more in God. And you know what? God's gonna take care of the rest.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Monday, February 16, 2009
God speaking or Terrible Luck?
Ok so I shared last time that I believed that I was sick for a purpose. God is trying to bring me back to him and giving me time to spend with him. In the past few months I have definitely felt a gap between me and God, but never really did anything about it.
Well I made an effort in the last 2 or 3 weeks to spend more time in the word. And guess what? I got a LOT better!! Not quite 100%, but very close. And guess what next, I started straying away from God again, not reading anymore and giving in to temptation (if you guys know what I'm talking about... :/ ) Anyways, I strayed from God, AGAIN... And Guess What?! I just got a cold and feel like crap again! I haven't had a day of good health since January 3rd.
I have definitely seen the connection there between my health and my relationship with God. I don't think it's that I have terrible luck :P
Please keep me accountable, and pray for me. I want to be back in his total presence and good health.
The Start of Something Great
The fellowship of Haven is awesome and strong. Bible studies will go farther than we ever have before.
Be prepared on Tuesday for some open-dialogue about our deepest struggles. Together, God willingly, we will improve and mature. When this semester ends, the Haven men will look back and say, "Yah, that was one memorable semester."
Take refuge with Haven. We got yo' back.
Be prepared on Tuesday for some open-dialogue about our deepest struggles. Together, God willingly, we will improve and mature. When this semester ends, the Haven men will look back and say, "Yah, that was one memorable semester."
Take refuge with Haven. We got yo' back.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Empty
Life has been a roller coaster for me the past few months. I broke up with my girlfriend before finals last semester so my holiday season kinda sucked, but at the same time it was pretty awesome. It was so great to see old friends again and just to spend time with them. Also hanging out with people from Pulse always helped. But I guess I've been running away from the problem for a while that I never really faced it.
I am suffering from loneliness. And although I've talked to many others about it, I still struggle with it. I'm a big heart guy, so relationships is where I feel like I really grow and bloom. But without one I'm kinda emo when I'm by myself. I know that I don't need a girlfriend. In fact I'm not even sure I want one. But hey if God wants to bless me with one that's awesome. I'm not gonna try for a while.
I guess I've been trying to fill a void of just friends and family. But I should start filling it up with God. God has been great to me these past few months. I've never really felt depressed and was always surrounded by loved ones. So I guess I'm just slowly trudging through. But you know what, that's ok. Because eventually I'll be able to walk tall again. But gotta let the wounds heal.
I am suffering from loneliness. And although I've talked to many others about it, I still struggle with it. I'm a big heart guy, so relationships is where I feel like I really grow and bloom. But without one I'm kinda emo when I'm by myself. I know that I don't need a girlfriend. In fact I'm not even sure I want one. But hey if God wants to bless me with one that's awesome. I'm not gonna try for a while.
I guess I've been trying to fill a void of just friends and family. But I should start filling it up with God. God has been great to me these past few months. I've never really felt depressed and was always surrounded by loved ones. So I guess I'm just slowly trudging through. But you know what, that's ok. Because eventually I'll be able to walk tall again. But gotta let the wounds heal.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
ouch!
I think I'm gunna have a hard time hiding my identity with FunkyTimmy as an ID, and I don't think I'd be able to share much without revealing my identity anyways. So here I go, this is Tim C.
I've now been sick for 1.5 months. It sucks, terribly. I've been put on medication, to then get in worse condition. I feel useless because I always need to stay home and rest. I feel like I'm not involved as much as I want to be and it's frustrating the heck out of me. I've been used to doing so much for the last year and a half. Now I feel like a potato.
My original reaction was, hey! This'll spice up my life a little. It soon changed to, What the Heck God?! A lot of bitterness and angriness has come out of me in the last weeks and I apologize if I hurt anyone in anyway. Lately I've just been careless about what i think and what comes out of my mouth. Seems like there used to be a filter between these two.
I thought for awhile that this was punishment from God. Then I realized this is that i needed something like this to be shaken up. P. Stiddy told me: "You know Tim, this is a spiritual Battle. The only thing that could stop you from serving is your Health. Not school, not work"
My first reaction was, ok maybe I should focus more on school :P But then I realized something. My health is the only thing that could stop me. I don't think it's a battle, but I think God is trying to pull me aside. To be honest, I have not been very proactive with my relationship with God in the past 6 months. I've actually been an idiot. Now God has brought me down to a new low in my life, with an incredible amount of free time. This is a time for me to reconnect and redevelop my relationship with God. It's kinda of a stretch, but this is almost a gift from God.
Pray that I become more faithful to him and that I pursue my relationship with him as much as i pursue serving him.
Side note, I don't know if any of you were praying for me, but I was in terrible pain on monday, and out of nowhere I felt 80% better within 2 minutes. Kind of incredible. I still feel great! PTL!
Sorry if I write long notes...
Friday, February 6, 2009
Idolitry
What P. Stiddy (Pastor Steve) said last night really hit close to home. I admit that many times I've placed things and people above God. Usually in those situations, God takes those things away from me because of one reason: He is a jealous God and desperately wants us to love Him. Think about that. Someone who loves you so much that once they know they're not the first in your life, He fights until He's number 1 again.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
What Do You Want To Know?
I like the code names so far. I really do.
OK! So to business.
So far here are some of the topics that you guys told me the other night as to what you would like to 'study' in the small group. They mostly have to do with what a young man struggles with.
Dating (Girls. If you want to know about guys...we need to talk to you out of love)
Relationships (Godly and Worldly)
Being a Man of God
How to Be A Leader
Lust/Every Man's Struggle
Faith/Compassion for Men
Brotherly Love/Community
Guarding Your Heart and Hearts of Others
Let me know if you guys want more or you wanna change it up. This is in no way final just a way to toss it out.
Please. I urge you guys to at least check this once a day. Put it on your quick bar. Mine is inbetween facebook and gmail so..I will definitely post every day. I also have another blog which I post....but you'll have to find out about that one later.
OK! So to business.
So far here are some of the topics that you guys told me the other night as to what you would like to 'study' in the small group. They mostly have to do with what a young man struggles with.
Dating (Girls. If you want to know about guys...we need to talk to you out of love)
Relationships (Godly and Worldly)
Being a Man of God
How to Be A Leader
Lust/Every Man's Struggle
Faith/Compassion for Men
Brotherly Love/Community
Guarding Your Heart and Hearts of Others
Let me know if you guys want more or you wanna change it up. This is in no way final just a way to toss it out.
Please. I urge you guys to at least check this once a day. Put it on your quick bar. Mine is inbetween facebook and gmail so..I will definitely post every day. I also have another blog which I post....but you'll have to find out about that one later.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Welcome To Haven Small Group
What up What up Playas? Welcome to the Haven Small Group Blog. Just a little something I wanted to start up. This is a place where we can just blog random stuff, keep each other accountable, and just try and be there for each other. When you sign up, make sure to use a code name so that people don't know exactly who we're talking about. But I hope that this semseter we can try to blog at least once a week. I will try to be blogging everyday because I'm bored and have nothing else better to do. Peace out
And God Bless
And God Bless
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