Why Am I Here?

Why are we here on earth?

We were created. But why?

We have a purpose. What is it?

Ask God, He'll tell you. Just remember to listen.

There have been many times in my life where I've pondered why am I here? What is it that God wants me to do with my life? I always try to answer my own questions from time to time. Am I supposed to help people by being a nurse? Should I try to become some sort of relationship counselor? Always constantly trying to figure out on my own what God wants me to do. The funny thing is that only recently have I been asking Him myself. The more I ask Him, the more I see. I'm in a situation where I find health to be extremely important. I know that God's given me a new heart for others, I freaking love people. So right now, I trust God with my path. I know that no matter what happens, as long as I feel like I'm doing the right thing, God will bless me, because I know I'm doing this for Him.

And Psalm 37:4 says: Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.

So don't worry. God's got your back. Praise God for the blessings that you've received today, even thought they may be tiny like finding a parking spot, or huge, like realizing that you're more loved that you ever thought possible.

A good life, but a hard life.

I know that God is good. I know that if it's God's will, it will be done. At least, that's what I am starting to grasp. But I want more than to just know it. I really want to acknowledge it completely, for all the areas of my life. The hardest area to apply that knowledge is relationships. How surprising, no?

Things have been great ever since I talked with her few weeks back. I have my close friend back and we are sharing like we used to. I am doing my best right now to focus on that friendship itself and to help build her up to be a woman of God. She's an amazing Sister in Christ who is constantly hungering after Him, even if her steps are small.

What's difficult is knowing that her decisions for a future relationship is all God's will... that the one she ends up choosing is all in God's hands. To be bluntly put, it makes me wonder if I'll have that chance again in the future. If I wait so long, will I miss my chance? Yet, that's exactly what God doesn't want me to think. I'm sure He doesn't want me to wonder so far ahead and question His plans. At the same time, I'm really hoping He knows those feelings that were in my heart. She has liked me once, and lately I was yearning to know if those feelings were authentic, or was it just a spur of the moment? Did she take it back because she realized it was a mistake, or is she just trying to do the mature thing and grow? That is the one question I wish I could have asked her back then, but I know sometimes it's best not to know the answer to a question. Instead, it's even better to be surprised by what God has in store for me.

Most of the time I am satisfied with the way things are between the two of us. In fact, a lot of times I am thankful that God's allowing me to Brother to her, a walking stone, a witness to her ups and downs. I really do want to see her grow. She's got a lot of potentials. Sometimes, however, the things I want to do to help her can't be done simply because I am not in a relationship with her. I know I need to be extra careful not to tread on the boundaries.

All in all, I'm continuing to strive to have selfless faith. I am constantly reminding myself to take this time of being single as a blessing, a time to grow and to find, pursue, and achieve my Passion & Purpose.

I wish for more, but I'm glad God has power over my life right now. If I have authority over my own life right now, it'd be constantly hitting the gutters and making rash decisions and mistakes.

'Tis a hard journey!!!

Icebox Where My Heart Used To Be...

Am I heartless? Am I cold? Do I have this icebox where my heart used to be?

Last night I decided that it was a good idea to talk to my ex-girlfriend. To catch but also to just let her know that I'm over her, and to make sure that there's no false hope of us ever getting back together. So the convo started off well. We caught up, small talk. Nothing big or personal. But then things got heavy. Extremely heavy.

I told her that ever since our break-up, I felt that I was getting over the whole thing pretty fast, pretty easily. The only reason for any of this was God. I basically said "God, take this away from me, I'm not going to deal with it. You take care of it." And He did. And He blessed me beyond my comprehension. He provided me with great friends, got me serving again, and gave me a new heart. And then I told her that I just don't see us getting back together again. I told her that I'm over her and that there could be someone new.

That's when she started crying.

If you know me, if I see a girl cry I get super comforting and caring. I will do things to make girls feel better even if it could be borderline inappropriate because they aren't my girlfriend. But this time, I felt God was telling me to be extremely strong.

So here she is, crying in a public place, and I was stone cold. I was very nice tho. I offered her tissues, I would comfort her when she started to really ball. But what she said was the killer.

"I miss you."
"You're exactly everything I want right now."
"Why can't we work on this?"
"I promise this time around I'll treat you right, I'll make you feel special."
"I want to be with you."

Nothing. I felt nothing. I kept on telling her no, that I really can't see us together again, and I feel like we just weren't meant for each other. She thought we were.

This dragged on for nearly one and a half hours, with her constantly crying. And yet the whole time I was with her, my heart didn't break or feel for her, I never fell. I was strong with the mission I had. I'm glad I told her because she never really dealt with the fact that we broke up. She always felt that we would get back together and that's why she never thought she had to deal with it. She's been keeping herself busy but I am glad now she can start getting over me. She started to just cry even more, saying that life wasn't fair, that I had already gotten over her and she just started. She even tried to get me to give her a hug, but I just couldn't. I felt like if I did she would just start to assume that things would be getting better for us.

So we went our separate ways. She was still very emotional so I called her sister to make sure that she would get home safely. Then I got home, and all the emotions that I should have felt came rushing in. I was an emotional wreak. Although I never thought about getting back with her, my heart broke. Here was a girl who was a huge part of my life, and I destroyed her. I broke her heart and the whole time I wasn't there to really comfort her. I feel like an asshole, a jerk, someone who is so cold hearted that I'm surprised I can love.

I pray that God will bless her, and comfort her. I know that she will be fine, I just hope that she won't do anything stupid. Please just pray that God will be in her life, and she she'll be able to lean on Him, her small group, and her family.

Me on the other hand? I'll get over this....

Jealousy, Love, and Patience

Omg i just had a nightmare, and it was awesome! But let me give out some background information first. One of the things I struggle with the most everyday is jealousy. It stems from my personal insecurities, which get magnified the closer we get to Compton. I think right now I'm jealous of Jesse the most, because he's able to spend so much time planning the Compton trip with her. At the same time, it's completely my fault because I couldn't manage helping her plan for the Compton trip and student teaching at the same time. Everytime I see them together during a Compton meeting, I feel jealous and regret. I've really been praying to God to take all these negative feelings away from me, which leads me to the nightmare I just had.

One of my biggest stress factors would be finances. Because I don't earn any money student teaching, I have to tutor for about 2 hours a day to help support my mom in paying rent and other bills. I can't remember all the details of my dream, but it had me and Jesse just talking. All of a sudden, my mom walks in in tears, telling me that there was some legal issues and how we got scammed and now owe $42k to the landlord. I tried to comfort her, but I was more shocked and in disbelief than anything else. Then I saw Jesse really just comfort her and pray for her in my dream. So yea...like WTF! I never dream about Jesse, but to see him comfort my mom in a crisis like this?!?! That's gotta be God. I think He really wanted me to know two things: one that be happy and humble in what he has provided, and two in that really take away the jealousy I felt for Jesse. It's crazy, I really have no other explanation for this dream!

Dang sorry for running long. Lastly I just want to pray for patience, and really thank the Lord for all you brothers. When I told her how I felt, and told her to take her time, I really expected to have an answer in less than a week. So when I met up with her again on Friday, I was honestly shocked to hear that she isn't close to deciding, she feels overwhelmed with the decision, and that she's pretty much 50-50 right now. She mentioned how she felt like there was a deadline, the Compton trip, for telling me her response. She's struggling with the same thing I struggled with, figuring out whether the timing is good or not. I just feel so helpless, but at the same time so dependent on God. I told her that I'm willing to wait however long it takes, and for her not to rush. I'm so glad to have you brothers, or else I think I'd totally collapse and squeeze an answer out of her.

<3 you guys!

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

I prayed. I talked to my Brothers and Sisters. My heart grew restless as the week came to an end. The first attempt went poorly. My mum and brother strongly advised against the trip to Compton and gave me very little hope. I felt it was a defeat in a spiritual battle.

That was approximately three weeks ago. Throughout this week I had been constantly thinking about the trip, about whether or not God is wanting me to go. My heart kept feeling some sort of conviction to go. As the week drew close to an end, my heart felt so strong about making that decision for myself. Growing up, I never really made a major decision for myself. It was usually a life of either quiet submission to the family, or of secret and inobedient actions behind the family's back. This time, I wanted neither. I really started to realize that I can no longer be constantly relying on the paths my family and I may have set for myself anymore. After hearing Steve's sermon this past Thursday night, I realized that I really need to start searching my Passion & Purpose in His name. The special one, just for me, that He alone has planned. So I've begun to embark on that journey to find out what they are.

So? I lingered around tonight in San Jose, not wanting to go home. I was avoiding this unavoidable moment. With the presence of friends, I calmed down and prayed. Did I ever tell you that I am always thankful beyond words when friends pray for me? Even when the words are not powerful or extravagent, I always knew their hearts are pure and loving. That is why I am always thankful for their hearts, not their words. I finally went home and prayed on the drive home. Among my prayers were that I would praise Him no matter the outcome. I got home only to find in disappointment that my mum has not returned home yet. I went over the Urban Immersion packet once more and opened the Bible to Luke 4 and read over the passage that Steve shared about. The garage door opened and I knew this is the moment. I walked over to my mum and calmy told her about my decision. She asked a few questions about the trip and I patiently answered her. She asked me twice why I want to do these things, and I told her about my heart wanting to serve and step out of my old comfort zone. She listened and agreed to let me know.

Did God just let me go on this trip? I believe He did. The conversation went so smoothly that I kept praising God as I walked back to my room. I immediately shared the good news to the friends that were with me tonight, and prayed to praise Him.

This week will be of preparation of both the heart and the mentality. God is good.

Heart

I guess where should I start. Your heart is the most important thing in the world. It is the thing that you should guard it with your life. For instance, do not let girls sway you guys from the truth and understand that just be prepared in all circumstances. In a relationship, prepare for the unexpected like issues between each other or families. I know for a fact Nicole's parents never liked me in the beginning just because I was older than her and her first boyfriend. So just be prepared to hit some snags along the way.

A verse that goes along with relationships is Proverbs 4:23:
"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life."

Just remember that no matter who you like or want to date. Guard your heart because you do not want to get hurt by the girl you thought was the "girl of your dreams." Listen to what God has to say to you and in terms of following your heart. Do not always follow your heart because it can mislead you. For me it mislead me, to the point of feeling bad for myself during my first year of college. I remember crying alot at home because of the pain inside of me and also knowing that I did not guard my heart and prepare myself for the outcome. I always hoped that my ex-girlfriend and I would get back together. Such lies that I played out in my head and in my heart. So just remember to guard your heart and never lose sight of God. God will lead you along the right path and in terms of dating, He already picked out that special person for you.

Question to think about:
Relationships in the world are portrayed as the feeling of comfort, love, and care, but what is God's idea of a genuine relationship?

Rest

In these past few weeks, one of the few things I've been pondering upon is where can I find rest. My mind is given over to thousands of different things, and worries pile up about myself and where I see myself. I don't know why that I worry, and I know I'm not in control of the situation when I want to be.

I'm scared of the uncertainty that is my future, and where it'll lead me. I'm scared that I won't be able to live up the expectations that are set before me by my family, and how I compare myself to my colleagues that have already graduated college and have a seemingly set path before them. I tell myself that it'll get better, and just to have faith that God is the driver and I'm not. Don't you have that feeling though even when you're in the passenger seat, and even though the driver assures that he or she is safe. When you ride and it gets all crazy, and you still get scared and the worst part is that you have no control over it. Yeah I have that feeling.

I've found that deep inside I am weary of what I cannot change, and the hope that I have in God is not looking good. Do I have doubts? I probably do. I don't know whether it'll be gone until I've graduated and breathe a sigh of relief.

In the mean time, to battle this constant weariness, and to refresh myself, I know that rest in God is imperative. I find that as much as I want to serve and be a radical Jesus follower, I cannot serve Him in a condition and an attitude that does not know what rest means. Solitude and in the quietness is where I can really meet God. In the stillness is where I find peace to quell the worries that I internalize. Going out and doing good works is great, but without a right attitude of serving, it is useless.

I find that rest between me and God really is the vital necessity that keeps me sane and believing. Without it, I would not know where my life would be.

Peace.

It's me again!

Hey guys,

I've been writing a ton on this and i kinda feel bad. But Wutangtanger told me it was ok, so blame him if you get tired of me. I just like writing and i got a lot of stuff to let out of my brain/heart/stuff... Here it goes:

Those you who didn't go to the Campus Awakening Conference on Saturday totally missed out. Basically, you all missed out except for Ehoungster :) That day was amazing in all kinds of ways, which I won't go into details, but there will be sharing at TNL about it. What I have to say is that God definitely showed up, we forced ourselves to push new boundaries and we were blessed a thousand times more.

Since the retreat I have been wanting to lay hands on my dad and pray for him. He's still suffering from his hip, and not getting better. Today I was in the bus thinking, as much as I have learned if I don't apply it regularly it is going to slip away. When I got home I chatted with my parents. My dad wasn't doing great. My mom told me she had been reading this book about healing, and my dad was sharing from Isaiah 53, how Jesus was one who knows of suffering and grief. Then I shared about my experience at the conference and how I saw God speak directly into people's lives. For the first time I felt like my experience with God was affecting my family. All that just was the perfect set up, so we prayed for my dad. My dad did not get healed. I really felt lead by the spirit in prayer, I saw my mom taking a new step in her faith, and my dad being comforted by the love of Christ.

This might not seem like much, but i was so overwhelmed with what God was doing in our family. My dad was not healed. My mom said, let's do this everyday. I'm seriously excited about getting together with my family to pray. It's something i dreaded almost my whole life and it has become the highlight of my day :) My dad was not healed today, but he will be. My family will be persistent and God will show up... in a big way.

Not A Matter of Talk But Power

I absolutely love 1 COR 4:20.

For the kingdom of God is not a matter of talk, but of power.

I also memorized this compelling message - 1 COR 2:4-5.

My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but a demonstration of the Spirit's power, so that your faith might not rest on men's wisdom, but on God's power.

I've been talking with Ian Patterson via Facebook and he recommended these two books (I ordered them off Amazon.com). They just came in the mail and I'm super-excited and hungry to unlock and apply this knowledge.

• Rediscovering the Kingdom - Myles Munroe
• Developing a Supernatural Lifestyle - Kris Valloton

Supernaturally inspired, to say the least.

Oh, big notice: I just wanted to let you know that it's been a full week where I have not been tempted ONCE to dabble into pornography. This is AMAZING for me since 15 years of my life embraced porn (before I accepted Christ at the age of 24).

I don't even think or even consider going on the Internet to look. While I've gone to long periods of purity, this is a first for me to not even struggle. When Ian told his story about how he invited the Holy Spirit to transform him, he said he was and continues to be immune to porn.

I, too, can now tell the image in my mirror, "I am immune to pornography, in the name and power of the Holy Spirit." I'm praying to God for continued strength.

Loving God and Loving my bros!

Prayer = Results

Hey guys,

I am healing! Like seriously, I AM!

For the first time since beginning of January I am pain free, and sickness free. Now I know I'm not 100% yet because when i go poo poo it's not exactly the way it should be, but it's better than it's been since january. For the first time I felt energized. I ran without feeling that I was gunna collapse. My body feels right again. This is amazing. I'm supper excited. It's been 3 days since I've been feeling like this. My last post was about prayer with expectations. Well my expectations were met! HAH! Prayer does work.

Now I'm pumped from the retreat and also being in the process of healing. I don't want this to fade away. I don't want this retreat to be something i reminisce about. I want it to have a lasting impact.

I got an email from Steve today forwarding an email from Ian letting us know about this conference this weekend. I feel convicted to go. I'm scared and nervous of the things we will be doing, but I have to go. I don't want what i learned at the retreat to be just talk. You guys should come with me:
http://www.jesusculture.org/index.php?page=conference&id=47&pid=190&tPid=2

I've been praying a lot. I want to see more.

Guarding Your Heart

Guarding your heart is a concept many people do not really understand, and at many times, tend to forget. Your heart is where all your emotions are stored up, where you can feel butterflies everytime you see your special person, to feeling like the whole world is on your shoulders. Your heart is precious and you only have one. When you find your true love you are supposed to give your heart to that person. But what kind of heart are you going to give them? A pure, clean heart that has waited only for them? A heart that has been bruised but still has the potential to love fully? Or a heart that is black and torn apart by different lovers? I admit that I gave my heart away freely. I let others use it, abuse it, and take it for themselves. I thought I was giving my heart to someone who would care for it, someone who would love it as their own, but I was wrong. Even though I knew I was wrong I still let this person hold my heart. Why? Because I wanted someone to hold it, anyone, and have hope that one day they'll treat it better. But this false hope was nothing but a foolish visad.

Guard your heart. Be careful who you give it to. Make sure God says it's ok to give it to that person. Instead of having other people tear away at your heart, making you feel like you're worth nothing to them, and that your heart is worth nothing to them, guard it. Save it for someone you know will treat it nicely. Someone who will love your heart more than their own. Someone you know that your heart will be happy with and will grow with.

Be careful. Don't let the weakness of loneliness drive you to give your heart to someone just so someone else can hold it. Be strong. Know that your heart is patient, it's you who isn't.

Remember. If you need to give your heart to someone, give it to God. He'll take good care of it until He approves of you giving it to someone else.

Take care everyone. God Bless

Hey brothers.

I'm so glad we have this blog. I want to go deeper with you brothers in Christ, wanting brotherhood.

Dude, i'm wrestling back and forth between my attractions for her. I tell myself a lot of times throughout the day to give up the feelings and attractions, the romanticism, whatever directs my thoughts to her. But I always come back to thinking about her again. Its just a back and forth battle.

At the retreat, you probably can guess that my mind was doing that a lot because she was there too. I told myself I was not even going to say hi to her-to avoid contact with her at all costs. I didn't, but it was hard. There was some random moments when i saw her too. I was outside at the back of the cabin doing pull-ups at the still of the night, and when I started walking back to the cabin, she popped out walking to her cabin. -_-... (whirlpool of emotions in that situation)

Okay this is going to get deep. I know its foolish what I'm about to say.

I had this inkling that I'm going to marry her in the future. I know, its far-fetched and not right. I had some hope of marrying her because I had this picture of this missionary family I met at my home church last year. It was just a picture to remind me to pray for them, but the father looked like me, and the wife looked like her, but 20 years into the future. And there were some kids. And I thought that was someting God was telling me, like thats how its gonna be in the future. It probably isnt true, but my feelings obviously are screaming the opposite.

I think though my attactions for her are fading away. When I got back from retreat and dropped off ppl in my car and went back to my apartment I actually saw her car parked. I unpacked, drove out to do laundry by mark and brians place, then drove back to my apartment. I saw her car again. This was lik 8pm ish. I was thinkin, whats goin on? And I thought she might have been at someone's volleyball game. I thought then, "she must like him?" Then things in my heart grew uneasy. When I got back, I broke down and cried and talked to God everything what was going on my heart.

I obviously know the route I gotta take. Singleness, but its so hard. Its hard man, cuz I feel I poured out so much of my heart in this woman, but in the end its like something that probably wont work out. I feel like I've broken up in a relationship but its ironic because I never had contact with her about this at all. And I feel like a portion of my heart has been like given away to another girl, leaving my future wife with only the breadcrumbs of the heart (like eric said b4). I feel like I want to lock up the keys of my heart and put on 5 layers of titanium-alloy armor on it cuz I dont want to go through the same thing again.

I still wrestle with thinkin about her, but yeah.

Lord, help me be infactuated with You instead of her. Instead, help us men be satified singles, and fully developed young men of God. Instead, use us to make a difference for You. God, help us to know you as our Dad, deep within. Help us to be kingdom bringers to this campus. Sell us out to you with so much passion, let it overflow.

thanks bros.

Prayers with expectations

This retreat was just awesome! Don't think I could say my favorite because the Inside Out retreat was my first retreat and a Huge turning point in my life. But this retreat makes me want to do something, I don't want to forget what I have just learned. I want to apply it NOW.

I prayer has not really been a huge emphasis on my life. Even though I was one of the few that showed up for Pulse morning prayer every week, it just didn't mean much to me. I realized that the reason is that I prayed without expecting anything to happen. It seemed like the only way to pray without getting disappointed. But this retreat showed me another way. When we pray expecting, and as if it had already happened, we are affirming at that very moment that God can, and will do it. If our prayer does not come true at this moment we need to try again. Just like the story of the persistent widow.
I have been sick for 2 months now. I desperately wanted healing. I knew Ian had healed many people and I wanted to be part of them. It didn't happen. It doesn't mean God wants me to be sick, but that he has a perfect timing for everything. So I will keep praying everyday, expecting God's healing over me, and my dad. I will demand it, and claim it in the name of Jesus. What caused my sickness was not of God's will, but the sin of my life creating a separation and allowing the devil to take over. I'm done with this. I want a revolution in my life, I want to see people get healed, I want to be dominated with the Holy Spirit.
Don't be surprised if I start jumping off walls next week.