Rest

In these past few weeks, one of the few things I've been pondering upon is where can I find rest. My mind is given over to thousands of different things, and worries pile up about myself and where I see myself. I don't know why that I worry, and I know I'm not in control of the situation when I want to be.

I'm scared of the uncertainty that is my future, and where it'll lead me. I'm scared that I won't be able to live up the expectations that are set before me by my family, and how I compare myself to my colleagues that have already graduated college and have a seemingly set path before them. I tell myself that it'll get better, and just to have faith that God is the driver and I'm not. Don't you have that feeling though even when you're in the passenger seat, and even though the driver assures that he or she is safe. When you ride and it gets all crazy, and you still get scared and the worst part is that you have no control over it. Yeah I have that feeling.

I've found that deep inside I am weary of what I cannot change, and the hope that I have in God is not looking good. Do I have doubts? I probably do. I don't know whether it'll be gone until I've graduated and breathe a sigh of relief.

In the mean time, to battle this constant weariness, and to refresh myself, I know that rest in God is imperative. I find that as much as I want to serve and be a radical Jesus follower, I cannot serve Him in a condition and an attitude that does not know what rest means. Solitude and in the quietness is where I can really meet God. In the stillness is where I find peace to quell the worries that I internalize. Going out and doing good works is great, but without a right attitude of serving, it is useless.

I find that rest between me and God really is the vital necessity that keeps me sane and believing. Without it, I would not know where my life would be.

Peace.

It's me again!

Hey guys,

I've been writing a ton on this and i kinda feel bad. But Wutangtanger told me it was ok, so blame him if you get tired of me. I just like writing and i got a lot of stuff to let out of my brain/heart/stuff... Here it goes:

Those you who didn't go to the Campus Awakening Conference on Saturday totally missed out. Basically, you all missed out except for Ehoungster :) That day was amazing in all kinds of ways, which I won't go into details, but there will be sharing at TNL about it. What I have to say is that God definitely showed up, we forced ourselves to push new boundaries and we were blessed a thousand times more.

Since the retreat I have been wanting to lay hands on my dad and pray for him. He's still suffering from his hip, and not getting better. Today I was in the bus thinking, as much as I have learned if I don't apply it regularly it is going to slip away. When I got home I chatted with my parents. My dad wasn't doing great. My mom told me she had been reading this book about healing, and my dad was sharing from Isaiah 53, how Jesus was one who knows of suffering and grief. Then I shared about my experience at the conference and how I saw God speak directly into people's lives. For the first time I felt like my experience with God was affecting my family. All that just was the perfect set up, so we prayed for my dad. My dad did not get healed. I really felt lead by the spirit in prayer, I saw my mom taking a new step in her faith, and my dad being comforted by the love of Christ.

This might not seem like much, but i was so overwhelmed with what God was doing in our family. My dad was not healed. My mom said, let's do this everyday. I'm seriously excited about getting together with my family to pray. It's something i dreaded almost my whole life and it has become the highlight of my day :) My dad was not healed today, but he will be. My family will be persistent and God will show up... in a big way.

Not A Matter of Talk But Power

I absolutely love 1 COR 4:20.

For the kingdom of God is not a matter of talk, but of power.

I also memorized this compelling message - 1 COR 2:4-5.

My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but a demonstration of the Spirit's power, so that your faith might not rest on men's wisdom, but on God's power.

I've been talking with Ian Patterson via Facebook and he recommended these two books (I ordered them off Amazon.com). They just came in the mail and I'm super-excited and hungry to unlock and apply this knowledge.

• Rediscovering the Kingdom - Myles Munroe
• Developing a Supernatural Lifestyle - Kris Valloton

Supernaturally inspired, to say the least.

Oh, big notice: I just wanted to let you know that it's been a full week where I have not been tempted ONCE to dabble into pornography. This is AMAZING for me since 15 years of my life embraced porn (before I accepted Christ at the age of 24).

I don't even think or even consider going on the Internet to look. While I've gone to long periods of purity, this is a first for me to not even struggle. When Ian told his story about how he invited the Holy Spirit to transform him, he said he was and continues to be immune to porn.

I, too, can now tell the image in my mirror, "I am immune to pornography, in the name and power of the Holy Spirit." I'm praying to God for continued strength.

Loving God and Loving my bros!

Prayer = Results

Hey guys,

I am healing! Like seriously, I AM!

For the first time since beginning of January I am pain free, and sickness free. Now I know I'm not 100% yet because when i go poo poo it's not exactly the way it should be, but it's better than it's been since january. For the first time I felt energized. I ran without feeling that I was gunna collapse. My body feels right again. This is amazing. I'm supper excited. It's been 3 days since I've been feeling like this. My last post was about prayer with expectations. Well my expectations were met! HAH! Prayer does work.

Now I'm pumped from the retreat and also being in the process of healing. I don't want this to fade away. I don't want this retreat to be something i reminisce about. I want it to have a lasting impact.

I got an email from Steve today forwarding an email from Ian letting us know about this conference this weekend. I feel convicted to go. I'm scared and nervous of the things we will be doing, but I have to go. I don't want what i learned at the retreat to be just talk. You guys should come with me:
http://www.jesusculture.org/index.php?page=conference&id=47&pid=190&tPid=2

I've been praying a lot. I want to see more.

Guarding Your Heart

Guarding your heart is a concept many people do not really understand, and at many times, tend to forget. Your heart is where all your emotions are stored up, where you can feel butterflies everytime you see your special person, to feeling like the whole world is on your shoulders. Your heart is precious and you only have one. When you find your true love you are supposed to give your heart to that person. But what kind of heart are you going to give them? A pure, clean heart that has waited only for them? A heart that has been bruised but still has the potential to love fully? Or a heart that is black and torn apart by different lovers? I admit that I gave my heart away freely. I let others use it, abuse it, and take it for themselves. I thought I was giving my heart to someone who would care for it, someone who would love it as their own, but I was wrong. Even though I knew I was wrong I still let this person hold my heart. Why? Because I wanted someone to hold it, anyone, and have hope that one day they'll treat it better. But this false hope was nothing but a foolish visad.

Guard your heart. Be careful who you give it to. Make sure God says it's ok to give it to that person. Instead of having other people tear away at your heart, making you feel like you're worth nothing to them, and that your heart is worth nothing to them, guard it. Save it for someone you know will treat it nicely. Someone who will love your heart more than their own. Someone you know that your heart will be happy with and will grow with.

Be careful. Don't let the weakness of loneliness drive you to give your heart to someone just so someone else can hold it. Be strong. Know that your heart is patient, it's you who isn't.

Remember. If you need to give your heart to someone, give it to God. He'll take good care of it until He approves of you giving it to someone else.

Take care everyone. God Bless

Hey brothers.

I'm so glad we have this blog. I want to go deeper with you brothers in Christ, wanting brotherhood.

Dude, i'm wrestling back and forth between my attractions for her. I tell myself a lot of times throughout the day to give up the feelings and attractions, the romanticism, whatever directs my thoughts to her. But I always come back to thinking about her again. Its just a back and forth battle.

At the retreat, you probably can guess that my mind was doing that a lot because she was there too. I told myself I was not even going to say hi to her-to avoid contact with her at all costs. I didn't, but it was hard. There was some random moments when i saw her too. I was outside at the back of the cabin doing pull-ups at the still of the night, and when I started walking back to the cabin, she popped out walking to her cabin. -_-... (whirlpool of emotions in that situation)

Okay this is going to get deep. I know its foolish what I'm about to say.

I had this inkling that I'm going to marry her in the future. I know, its far-fetched and not right. I had some hope of marrying her because I had this picture of this missionary family I met at my home church last year. It was just a picture to remind me to pray for them, but the father looked like me, and the wife looked like her, but 20 years into the future. And there were some kids. And I thought that was someting God was telling me, like thats how its gonna be in the future. It probably isnt true, but my feelings obviously are screaming the opposite.

I think though my attactions for her are fading away. When I got back from retreat and dropped off ppl in my car and went back to my apartment I actually saw her car parked. I unpacked, drove out to do laundry by mark and brians place, then drove back to my apartment. I saw her car again. This was lik 8pm ish. I was thinkin, whats goin on? And I thought she might have been at someone's volleyball game. I thought then, "she must like him?" Then things in my heart grew uneasy. When I got back, I broke down and cried and talked to God everything what was going on my heart.

I obviously know the route I gotta take. Singleness, but its so hard. Its hard man, cuz I feel I poured out so much of my heart in this woman, but in the end its like something that probably wont work out. I feel like I've broken up in a relationship but its ironic because I never had contact with her about this at all. And I feel like a portion of my heart has been like given away to another girl, leaving my future wife with only the breadcrumbs of the heart (like eric said b4). I feel like I want to lock up the keys of my heart and put on 5 layers of titanium-alloy armor on it cuz I dont want to go through the same thing again.

I still wrestle with thinkin about her, but yeah.

Lord, help me be infactuated with You instead of her. Instead, help us men be satified singles, and fully developed young men of God. Instead, use us to make a difference for You. God, help us to know you as our Dad, deep within. Help us to be kingdom bringers to this campus. Sell us out to you with so much passion, let it overflow.

thanks bros.

Prayers with expectations

This retreat was just awesome! Don't think I could say my favorite because the Inside Out retreat was my first retreat and a Huge turning point in my life. But this retreat makes me want to do something, I don't want to forget what I have just learned. I want to apply it NOW.

I prayer has not really been a huge emphasis on my life. Even though I was one of the few that showed up for Pulse morning prayer every week, it just didn't mean much to me. I realized that the reason is that I prayed without expecting anything to happen. It seemed like the only way to pray without getting disappointed. But this retreat showed me another way. When we pray expecting, and as if it had already happened, we are affirming at that very moment that God can, and will do it. If our prayer does not come true at this moment we need to try again. Just like the story of the persistent widow.
I have been sick for 2 months now. I desperately wanted healing. I knew Ian had healed many people and I wanted to be part of them. It didn't happen. It doesn't mean God wants me to be sick, but that he has a perfect timing for everything. So I will keep praying everyday, expecting God's healing over me, and my dad. I will demand it, and claim it in the name of Jesus. What caused my sickness was not of God's will, but the sin of my life creating a separation and allowing the devil to take over. I'm done with this. I want a revolution in my life, I want to see people get healed, I want to be dominated with the Holy Spirit.
Don't be surprised if I start jumping off walls next week.