Hey brothers.

I'm so glad we have this blog. I want to go deeper with you brothers in Christ, wanting brotherhood.

Dude, i'm wrestling back and forth between my attractions for her. I tell myself a lot of times throughout the day to give up the feelings and attractions, the romanticism, whatever directs my thoughts to her. But I always come back to thinking about her again. Its just a back and forth battle.

At the retreat, you probably can guess that my mind was doing that a lot because she was there too. I told myself I was not even going to say hi to her-to avoid contact with her at all costs. I didn't, but it was hard. There was some random moments when i saw her too. I was outside at the back of the cabin doing pull-ups at the still of the night, and when I started walking back to the cabin, she popped out walking to her cabin. -_-... (whirlpool of emotions in that situation)

Okay this is going to get deep. I know its foolish what I'm about to say.

I had this inkling that I'm going to marry her in the future. I know, its far-fetched and not right. I had some hope of marrying her because I had this picture of this missionary family I met at my home church last year. It was just a picture to remind me to pray for them, but the father looked like me, and the wife looked like her, but 20 years into the future. And there were some kids. And I thought that was someting God was telling me, like thats how its gonna be in the future. It probably isnt true, but my feelings obviously are screaming the opposite.

I think though my attactions for her are fading away. When I got back from retreat and dropped off ppl in my car and went back to my apartment I actually saw her car parked. I unpacked, drove out to do laundry by mark and brians place, then drove back to my apartment. I saw her car again. This was lik 8pm ish. I was thinkin, whats goin on? And I thought she might have been at someone's volleyball game. I thought then, "she must like him?" Then things in my heart grew uneasy. When I got back, I broke down and cried and talked to God everything what was going on my heart.

I obviously know the route I gotta take. Singleness, but its so hard. Its hard man, cuz I feel I poured out so much of my heart in this woman, but in the end its like something that probably wont work out. I feel like I've broken up in a relationship but its ironic because I never had contact with her about this at all. And I feel like a portion of my heart has been like given away to another girl, leaving my future wife with only the breadcrumbs of the heart (like eric said b4). I feel like I want to lock up the keys of my heart and put on 5 layers of titanium-alloy armor on it cuz I dont want to go through the same thing again.

I still wrestle with thinkin about her, but yeah.

Lord, help me be infactuated with You instead of her. Instead, help us men be satified singles, and fully developed young men of God. Instead, use us to make a difference for You. God, help us to know you as our Dad, deep within. Help us to be kingdom bringers to this campus. Sell us out to you with so much passion, let it overflow.

thanks bros.