Icebox Where My Heart Used To Be...

Am I heartless? Am I cold? Do I have this icebox where my heart used to be?

Last night I decided that it was a good idea to talk to my ex-girlfriend. To catch but also to just let her know that I'm over her, and to make sure that there's no false hope of us ever getting back together. So the convo started off well. We caught up, small talk. Nothing big or personal. But then things got heavy. Extremely heavy.

I told her that ever since our break-up, I felt that I was getting over the whole thing pretty fast, pretty easily. The only reason for any of this was God. I basically said "God, take this away from me, I'm not going to deal with it. You take care of it." And He did. And He blessed me beyond my comprehension. He provided me with great friends, got me serving again, and gave me a new heart. And then I told her that I just don't see us getting back together again. I told her that I'm over her and that there could be someone new.

That's when she started crying.

If you know me, if I see a girl cry I get super comforting and caring. I will do things to make girls feel better even if it could be borderline inappropriate because they aren't my girlfriend. But this time, I felt God was telling me to be extremely strong.

So here she is, crying in a public place, and I was stone cold. I was very nice tho. I offered her tissues, I would comfort her when she started to really ball. But what she said was the killer.

"I miss you."
"You're exactly everything I want right now."
"Why can't we work on this?"
"I promise this time around I'll treat you right, I'll make you feel special."
"I want to be with you."

Nothing. I felt nothing. I kept on telling her no, that I really can't see us together again, and I feel like we just weren't meant for each other. She thought we were.

This dragged on for nearly one and a half hours, with her constantly crying. And yet the whole time I was with her, my heart didn't break or feel for her, I never fell. I was strong with the mission I had. I'm glad I told her because she never really dealt with the fact that we broke up. She always felt that we would get back together and that's why she never thought she had to deal with it. She's been keeping herself busy but I am glad now she can start getting over me. She started to just cry even more, saying that life wasn't fair, that I had already gotten over her and she just started. She even tried to get me to give her a hug, but I just couldn't. I felt like if I did she would just start to assume that things would be getting better for us.

So we went our separate ways. She was still very emotional so I called her sister to make sure that she would get home safely. Then I got home, and all the emotions that I should have felt came rushing in. I was an emotional wreak. Although I never thought about getting back with her, my heart broke. Here was a girl who was a huge part of my life, and I destroyed her. I broke her heart and the whole time I wasn't there to really comfort her. I feel like an asshole, a jerk, someone who is so cold hearted that I'm surprised I can love.

I pray that God will bless her, and comfort her. I know that she will be fine, I just hope that she won't do anything stupid. Please just pray that God will be in her life, and she she'll be able to lean on Him, her small group, and her family.

Me on the other hand? I'll get over this....